Learning Patience

A Moment to Remember

2012-02-24T20:37:00.002-08:00

My soon to be teenager is so sweet with his younger siblings. He has stepped up in so many ways these last few months. I am blessed to call him my son.

This picture is a little old, but so sweet.

A Fabulous Ski Trip

2012-02-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

Every year we head up the mountain for a fabulous ski field trip. China Peak offers a great deal for school groups. I manage the paperwork and needed to be up there to make the final payment. This meant bringing all three littles with us.

Doesn't sound fun!

So.... we have some amazing friends who let us stay in their cabin near the slopes. The littles and I went back to the cabin after lunch while the big boys and Jon enjoyed snowboarding.

We had a great time.

Observance of Lent

2012-02-22T07:25:00.000-08:00

Lent is something I have never really thought of. In fact, I don't know much about the religious tradition. I do know, though, that a season of fasting can bring one closer to God. It can draw us nearer to Him, and remind us to look to Him for our strength and fulfillment.

I woke up this morning and noticed a few posts about observing this season. I felt convicted to give it a try. I have always struggled with spending too much time on the Internet. Now that I have an iPad, that struggle has increased. When there is a free moment in my day, you will see my iPad in my hand. I LOVE it!

So, my goal is to decrease my time spent on my iPad. I want to end my day with completed projects, loved on children, and time spent with my husband. There are a few things I will still use it for.

Bible: I read my bible every morning on my iPad. I am currently doing the chronological through the year program. I have been more consistent with this than ever before and do not want to lose that momentum.

Menu planning, grocery lists, and cooking: I have been working on becoming paperless with my menus and recipes. It would be hard for me to make my grocery lists and cook without my iPad. It really does save me time.

Checking email: I do still need to check my email. However, I do not need to do this all day! I will check once in the morning and then walk away. This will be tough!

Blogging: I would like to also keep blogging. This is something that I really enjoy, and have a purpose for.

So, there you have it. 40 days of discipline. It sure is going to be hard, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phililpians 4:13

A Moment to Remember

2012-02-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

Sisters for life!

Preschool Plans Week 1

2012-02-16T15:40:00.001-08:00

I finally have my schedule down to a point where I want to have more direction in our preschool time. I have been scouring the internet for ideas during our group time. It seems that so many programs out there are geared to a child working on just a few aspects: letters, sounds, shapes, numbers. I wanted something that would address more than that. Remember that my littles are ESL (English as a second language) kids. Nathaniel has some catching up to do verbally. Also, I want a program that will be geared towards group time. My kids aren't ready to sit at a table working on worksheets. I also do not want to do a bunch of projects. I don't have the time to prep them all or to clean them up. (Thankfully, my wonderful neighbor does a craft with them twice a month) So, I picked around a few programs and came up with a flow of activities for us to work through.

I'm posting here to help keep me accountable.

Here's my plan for this coming week-

Preschool Lesson Plans

Week One

Preschool Time

Sing: God Made Me

Read: Children’s Bible: next story

Sing: Jesus Loves Me

Verse for the week: Proverbs 15:1

Pray

Theme: Cows (show picture) Give each child a plastic cow

Read: Cow book

Introduce vocabulary word: calf (show picture)

Gross motor: pretend to be a cow

Read: Cow book

Sing: Shake Your Sillies Out

Sing: ABC’s

Introduce letter A or review

Say A sound

Show pictures of words that start with A

Introduce number 1

Work on matching the number one to the card with one dot. Put one bear on dot.

Count bears to 10

Verbally count to 20

Make a pattern with counting bears

Go over prepositions: In/Out, On/Off, Under/Over, Beside (use bears with cups)

Recite Nursery Rhyme: Hey Diddle Diddle

Review color cards

Introduce diamond

Review circle, square, triangle, rectangle, heart

Tell name, age, boy or girl (Show name in print)

Opposites: Big and little (stand up to be big, crouch down to be little)

Smallest to largest: (bear cutouts)

Gross motor: Jump off stool

Summersault

Sing: Slippery Fish

During Walks (This is 30 minutes of great verbal teaching time)

Sing: Days of the week, Months of the year, Phone number, Address

Recite: Nursery Rhyme (Hey Diddle Diddle)

Work on memory verse

During Table Activities (A great way to reinforce our group time)

Monday: Make the letter A and number one with playdoh

Tuesday: Color the letter A, pictures that start with A and the number one

Thursday: Dot paint letter A and the number one

Maybe this weekend I will add in the links to the websites that I have found helpful. The kids are ready to get up from nap time, so I must be off.

A Peek at Our Day

2012-02-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

Things around here are going amazingly well. God has placed some organizational tools in my life that have had a huge impact on our days. Here's a look at how we spend our days and what helps to make it a success.

One of the biggest helps has been to create a daily schedule.

I don't keep my schedule to the minute, but I do try to keep flowing through my day. No matter how many tantrums, fights, or accidents, I do feel like the day goes well if I stay disciplined in carrying out our schedule.

Another huge help has been planning what activities the Littles do during the day. I have a rotation for every day. Before I came up with this rotation, I would be at a loss as to what to do with them all day. This helps tremendously.

I intersperse play time with structured time.

Structured time includes preschool.

We have bible time, sing songs, learn our colors and shapes, and other things.

I love preschool time. It's so much fun. They have already learned so much. Lily and Nathaniel know their colors, shapes, sounds, several songs, and can count to ten. Mae, being only two, has learned a bunch as well. It's a little harder to know what she has learned because her speech is very unclear. I'm pretty sure she has picked up quite a bit.

I love it when my Bigs get involved. Micah took over for me when I had to step away.

So sweet.

Structured time also includes our daily walk.

It also includes a short video before lunch. Right now we have been watching Leap Frog Letter Factory. They have learned all of the letter sounds from this DVD. I love it!

After lunch we play a little more and then take a nap. Nap time is school time with my Bigs. This is the time I read aloud our history and such. Micah is self taught on most other subjects and needs me very little these days. What a blessing! Alex still needs a lot of help from me. We carve out that time from 7-8 in the morning. It has been working beautifully to help him with his work first off. I dread being functional at that hour, but I am amazed at the difference it makes to have an hour of quiet with my boy.

After nap we have a small snack and head back outside. It's been a little more challenging for me to get them outside again. This is an area I need to work on.

Once back in we have a table activity.

I have these planned out as well. Otherwise, we would never get to these activities.

Some of our table activities-

We wrap up our day with a bath, some books, or a few songs with Papa.

I love it when Jon breaks out his guitar. The kids do too.

They love to dance and sing.

Once they are in bed, I crash on the couch. A day never goes exactly how I have portrayed here. We are getting closer to having more good days than frustrating ones. I am grateful for that.

My goal is to stay focused and keep on keeping on.

An Amazing Transformation!

2012-01-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

This little boy

has gone through an amazing transformation.

A few weeks from coming home from China, Nathaniel started throwing some intense temper tantrums. He would scream "No" at me, swing his arms around, hit and kick the wall, and fall to the floor. Some days he would do this three or four times in just the morning.

I was seriously getting worn down.

Nothing I tried was working.

Then, over Christmas and New Years I discovered something. Nathaniel does not throw fits when Jon is around. Not one single fit.

Light bulb!

He only does it for me.

I have no idea why he does this, but we decided that Jon would take over disciplining Nathaniel. If he got out of control, Jon would come home from work.

That week, Jon came home multiple times. The next week, maybe once. This week? Not one single time. This child has not thrown one fit the ENTIRE week!

PRAISE

THE

LORD!

Neighborhood Walks

2012-01-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

I made the decision a week or so ago that I needed to get these little ones out of the house more. It is so much work getting shoes, hats, sunglasses, and sunscreen on that I tend to just keep them in to play. I realized they really needed some outside exercise. So, every morning the littles and I walk seven tenths of a mile. It takes us about thirty minutes, but we do it.

Today was a gloomy day and we even had a few raindrops fall down on us. However, we still enjoyed the walk.

We picked flowers....

Sang some songs...

Took turns walking the dog...

Nathaniel can never stay on the sidewalk. He's always exploring where he shouldn't. :)

And Mae is always falling behind...

I have come to cherish these walks.

An Addiction

2011-12-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

I confess to an addiction. It is a reading addiction that has been passed down the family line. My grandmother, mother, myself, and now my son can not resist. We allow ourselves to become so absorbed that everything else seems to fade away. All that remains are the words that wrap around us creating another world.

I can never savor a book. I devour them. I lose myself completely. How I wish I could just read a few chapters and then move on. It just isn't possible! At night, when all is quiet, I settle in and read. There are many times when I look at the clock and find that it is three in the morning. Sigh.

Maybe some day I will learn to regulate my reading. Maybe someday I will savor the words instead of devouring them. Maybe.

A Better Week

2011-12-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

Last week was my worst week since coming home from China. I was barely keeping my head above water. The battle being fought between myself and the littles was laborious. They won.

Since Friday, I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel.

Some blessings-

I was able to shop last week by myself thanks to my mom.
A friend brought us dinner because I had been so pathetic.
Sunday was spent playing my flute with others during church praising my Lord.
I spent about fifteen minutes sewing.
I read a book.
I witnessed two more former orphans coming home.
Saw how God provides for the needs of a family when faced with a job loss.
A break from home schooling.
Friendship and fellowship.
Sweet toddler kisses.
Outstretched arms.
Laughter.
My big boys loving on the littles.
Family.
God's grace.

My Thoughts on Adopting Two at Once

2011-12-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

For some of you, this information will be a repeat. This post is for those thinking of adopting two unrelated children from China.

Well, I have been thinking a lot about how I would respond if someone asked about adopting two at once. I have decided that the best answer would be to tell you our story. I don't think anyone can tell you to do it or not. What I hope is that what I say will make you pause and think about how you and your family will be impacted by this huge decision.

First, I think it is crucial that you understand the dynamics of our family. That is very important for the rest of our story. My husband and I have been married for sixteen years. I am thirty-six and my husband is thirty-eight. We have two biological boys, Micah and Alex, ages twelve and ten. I am currently home schooling them in the fifth and seventh grades. Last year we adopted a sixteen month old little girl, Lily, from China. She will be three the day after Christmas. Our adopted daughter has albinism. If you are unfamiliar with this, it is the lack of pigment in her hair, eyes, and skin. She is legally blind, but you would never know it.

We decided to adopt another little girl so that Lily would have a playmate. Also, we are Christians and feel that adoption is our way of caring for the orphans, as God commands us. So, we jumped right back in the process. Seven months from returning home with Lily, we received Mae's, age two, referral. She has brachial plexus nerve damage in her right arm. She can use her arm and two fingers, but not much. We were very excited.

Fast forward a few months. Throughout the process I would look at advocacy blogs and groups. I soon discovered that boys with albinism were often not adopted. My husband and I decided that we would at some point adopt a little guy with albinism. Then, with the new program of adopting two becoming possible, we decided why not now? Why wait? We could make one trip and bring both children home.

We prayed about it and decided to move forward. We knew we would be delaying Mae's adoption by about three months. But, we knew that one trip this year was all we could afford. It seemed the right thing to do. We called CCAI about seeing if any little boys with albinism were available. We had tight parameters. He had to be between three and six, have albinism, and we would need a referral within a few days. I did not want to delay Mae's process any more than necessary. CCAI called back in an hour and told us about Nathaniel, age four.

We accepted the referral and moved forward with the process. Adding the second referral did delay us by about three months. We ended up traveling in August. The trip over was an adventure in itself. But, that is a story for another day. We arrived in our province and were ready to receive our children. I forgot to mention that they are from the same province, Henan.

Mae came to us first kicking and screaming. She hated me. It broke my heart to see her reaching for her caretaker while her caretaker cried. I held Mae tight while trying to calm her down. Within moments Nathaniel was brought to us. Jon took over with Nathaniel while I continued to hold Mae. Nathaniel didn't really skip a beat when he was brought to us. As long as he had food he was good.

In China was tough. Neither of us ever got a break. Mae would not let me put her down, so I never got a chance to bond with Nathaniel. Jon never had the chance to bond with Mae because he was always looking after Nathaniel. We opted out of all the touring because it was just too much. We handled it fine, but we were tired.

Once home, I was ready for some tough adjustments. I wasn't blind about the challenges we were going to face, but I wasn't prepared for everything. Lily really had a tough time. She now had to share me, her toys, and her room. Her tantrums escalated. Nathaniel now had to learn how to be in a family and have boundaries. His whole world had opened up and he was ready to explore. By that I mean he has no impulse control. Mae managed very well.

Now we have been home for four months. At this moment, I would say that it is the hardest so far. I am exhausted managing three little ones all day. It is like having triplets, they are so close in age. I am constantly pulled between the demands of managing the littles and the needs of home schooling my boys. Lily and Nathaniel are constantly throwing fits. It requires a lot of physical activity from me to remove them from the situation and put them in time outs. I am so thankful that Mae has such an easy going personality. I don't usually have to worry about her.

The bonding once home has gone well. Nathaniel is now completely attached to me. In some ways maybe a little too much. He has a hard time when I leave the house without him. I had to keep Mae with me for a long time. She would easily go to others and I did not want her to think she could shop around for another mama. I am just now comfortable with others outside of our immediate family holding her. Even now, I will step in at times and keep her close to me.

However, there are moments when I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that a year from now I will look back and see how much easier things have gotten. I love all of their hugs and kisses. I love hearing them each telling me that they love me. I am blessed to be a part of their lives, and be able to parent them. I do not regret the decision we made, however I would not adopt two at once again. Every night I crash into bed.

So, while I will not say whether you should or shouldn't adopt two at once, I do have some questions for you to discuss with your family.

What is the structure of your family now? How will your other children (if you have any) adjust when you are focused on your new ones?

What kind of support do you have? Are there others who can give you advice and hear you when you are down?

How much time will be required to help each child with their special needs? What kind of appointments will you be going to? How often?

Are you prepared to have little time to yourself?

Have you adopted before?

Do you realize that you do not know what type of personality is coming to you? Are you prepared that they both might have some behavioral issues?

Are you doing this just because it will save you money?

If you are determined to move forward, then I think it is imperative that you know how you will get through each day. Have a plan, gather support, and be open to advice. Be willing to think outside of the box and make changes in your life. Then, if you get home and each child is like my Mae, you will be pleasantly surprised. However, if you have two that are challenging, you will be prepared to dig deep and persevere.

Trip to Shriners Children's Hospital for Mae

2011-12-08T13:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Mae and I traveled to Sacramento to see specialists that deal with Brachiel Plexus injuries. Mae was so excited to go on a special outing with Mama. The drive up was uneventful, and I found the hospital without much confusion.

The staff at Shriners is incredibly friendly. Check-in took quite some time because the receptionist dropped her mouse in a cup of water. We had to wait for the IT guy to come with a new mouse and then renter our information. The wait wasn't a big deal because I had already planned on being gone all day.

When the doctor entered our room, Mae burst into tears. Her last experience was to get shots. However, the toys they brought in with them quickly enticed her to the floor to play. They evaluated her range of movement in her arm, wrist, and fingers.

Thankfully, there were no surprises. It is what it is. Her future will be filled with therapy to learn how to adapt, and keep the movement and flexibility that she has. Surgery could be in the future, but I'm not really sure.

Mae is resourceful. She will learn to adapt, and I am positive that she will be able to do anything she sets her mind to. Fully functioning limbs are overrated!

Preschool with the Littles

2011-11-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

I decided to stop being overwhelmed with my three littles and do something productive. A friend encouraged me to start having some circle time with Nathaniel, Lily, and Mae. She helped me see that I didn't need some indepth program. All I needed were a few books, songs, and a focus for the week.

My focus this past week has been on colors. We read Brown Bear, Brown Bear and matched colors together. I was surprised at how quickly they picked it up. We focused on just three colors; red, yellow, and green. Nathaniel has been proudly telling me the colors of everything all day long. He is one sharp kid! I know that most four year-olds would have their colors down by now, but remember he has only been hearing English for three months.

I love the time that we are spending together. Shockingly enough, I love to teach preschool! It's so much fun having more than one at a time at this level. They all just eat it up.

I just wish my bigs enjoyed school as much as my littles!

Love Doesn't Always Equal Like

2011-11-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have been marinating on this post for quite some time. I hesitate to write it because of they way it could be received. I also hesitate because one day my children will grow up and possibly read all that I have written here. So, with caution, I will share my heart with you about loving and not liking (at times) our newly adopted son.

Before we ventured off to China, I wrote a post about what love is. I am so thankful that God had laid it on my heart that love was not a feeling, but an action. I have held on to those thoughts often these last few months. There are many days that I do not like Nathaniel very much. He has many very annoying behaviors.

When we first adopted Lily, I was taken back by some superficial issues. I didn't immediately love her, but I quickly came around. My love for her overflows now. I can't imagine my life without her. Mae was pretty easy to love right off. She hated me, but I could see past that. Her deep brown eyes pulled me in. I loved her the moment she was in my arms.

It was different with Nathaniel. I was too busy with Mae those first two weeks to be able to bond much with him. That, of course, changed quickly once we came home. He has now completely bonded to me. He often tells me that he loves me.

These past two months have been quite the adjustment for us. Nathaniel's world has been expanded greatly and he is constantly testing his boundaries. He does things that irritate and drive me batty. I struggle to not want to just walk away and not engage with him. I have to be careful to not show favoritism to our other children. There are days when I just don't like him. I love him, but I may not enjoy him.

I think it is important to share these struggles because I know that I am not the only one. I know there are others who can relate. It's ok to struggle. What's not ok is acting on the feelings of wanting to disengage. It is these moments that I must pull him in closer and give him a hug or kiss. I must engage with him in play or read him a story. I must lay down my feelings of irritation and frustration before the Lord. He is more than capable of handling them.

I am not worried about my relationship with Nathaniel. God will work out the details and the feelings. Each day I will act in love towards the little guy who has been entrusted to me. You see, we did not set out to adopt in order to fill a void in our lives. We set out to adopt to purposely love a child, to give him a father and mother, and to teach him about Jesus. It is our responsibility to love Nathaniel regardless of his annoying behaviors. It has nothing to do with how loveable and endearing he is. It has everything to do with setting aside myself and what I would want from this relationship.

I may not always like my son, but I will always want the best for him, fight for him, and love him with all my heart.

Pathetic

2011-10-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

If I were to use a picture to describe the word pathetic, then this is the picture I would use.

A little over four years ago we (more accurately I) decided it would be a great idea to get a dog. Alex was terrified of dogs at that time. He would literally climb up me to get away from any size dog. What better way to get over a fear than to own a dog?

I did some research and found a litter of puppies that seemed perfect. We filled out the extensive application to adopt him and brought him home. (Sheesh, I thought there was a lot of paperwork to adopt a child!)

He was so cute.

The lady said that he should be around 45 pounds. Not bad for an indoor dog. He had to be indoors. If he was outside, I knew he would not get much attention. What was the point of having a dog if he was not inside; one of the family?

I invested hours into training this dog. There was no way I was going to have an obnoxious dog. In many ways I succeeded. He walks next to me with no leash, rarely barks, and would never run away.

Well, that cute little puppy grew up to be a seventy-five pound dog. He is attached to me like glue. Talk about a dog bonding with his master. DRIVES ME BATTY!

After we brought Lily home, this sweet dog became an annoyance. I would walk around the house with not only a toddler following me, but a dog and a ten year-old boy who followed the dog. I could go nowhere in the house alone. Not even the bathroom!

The moment we came home from China this year, the dog got the boot. Yes, I kicked the poor thing outside. It was one of the best decisions I have made since coming back from China. He now spends his day staring at me through glass.

It's quite pathetic. He will even find me in my bedroom and stare through that slider as well. Poor guy. His only moment of joy is when night rolls around and we let him in to sleep. See..... I'm not completely heartless.

The moral of this story is to get a guide dog puppy. After one year you will be done. Or, better yet, don't get a dog at all! Who wants to clean up all that poop!

Life Without Facebook

2011-10-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today marks my second day without Facebook. I made the decision earlier this week to deactivate my account. My reasons are many. Too much wasted time is spent there. I turn to Facebook in order to zone out and have some down time. There are so many projects laying around my house that could be done instead of me sitting in front of Facebook. I want to make wise use of time; time that I don't have much of these days.

Facebook also gives me the illusion of friendship. In order to have a true relationship, I need to email or call those friends that are on my list. Instead of making the effort at contact, I assume I know all that is going on by updated status reports. How shallow that seems.

So, I have survived my first few days of no Facebook without too much withdrawal. I hope to get to a point where I can go back to Facebook without needing to constantly look, or better yet just delete my account and spend that free time composing notes to all my friends.

Academics Aren't Everything

2011-10-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

The majority of my blog posts are about my adopted children. It's an easy topic to blog about. There is always material for a post floating around in my head about adoption. It may seem that my biological boys are being passed over. That is not the case. So, today, the subject for my post will be my second born.

My passionate, high-energy, fun-loving, quirky kid is such a joy to have around.

He can also drive you insane. Alex turned ten this year and I can hardly believe it. Time has flown by. I'm going to blink again and find him married with kids.

He's in the fifth grade this year and school is tough. I always hear about homeschool kids who are advanced and doing courses ahead of their grade. Not my boy. Reading takes forever. Math is a frustration. Spelling is atrocious.

If he were to attend a public school our lives would be miserable. Unable to sit still, his teacher would be constantly reprimanding him. Who knows what kind of suggestions I would get to "help" him in school.

This boy of mine may not shine in school, but he does shine. He shines in places that the world does not value.

He is compassionate.

He is creative.

He loves with all his heart.

He also has a gift with music. It brings me great joy to hear him practice his drums. Yes, joy. Others may cringe to hear the loud snare and crashing cymbals, but I love it. I encourage him in his gift so that one day he will use it to glorify the Lord. We do not take lessons to be better than the other kids. We do not have him in a percussion group so that he gets to perform. We do all these things to prepare him to someday use his talent to worship his Lord.

Here he is playing drum set for We Got the Beat

You see, academics aren't everything. Alex's passion for life and hopefully his Lord will be what defines him. Not what grade level he reads, words he can spell, or how high he was able to go in math. It's the love that he has for others, his compassion, creativity, and zest for life that others will notice.

What a blessing he is.

Wo Ai Ni

2011-09-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

Wo Ai Ni- three words that used to have no meaning in my life. Those three words now have great personal meaning.

Nathaniel, our just adopted four year-old, speaks fluent Mandarin. He is rapidly picking up English, but still speaking great amounts of Mandarin. In order to survive those first few weeks with him I learned a few key words and phrases. Words like no, wait, come here, don't hit, and I love you. I find it humorous that he still speaks so much Manadarin to us. Doesn't he realize that I have no clue what he is saying?

At first, Nathaniel didn't care much for me. He would complain every time I laid down next to him at night to say good night. Many times he would not even look at me. Maybe he thought that if he avoided eye contact I would just disappear. He tried again and again to avoid me.

I am, however, persistent.

I am stubborn!

Every night I would lay with him and say those three words that had held no meaning to me just weeks before. Wo Ai Ni. I love you. Wo Ai Ni.

Wo Ai Ni

I love you.

Then, one day it happened. He said those three sweet words back to me. How my heart sang with joy. He may have just repeated them back to humor me, but I didn't care.

One step forward!

Fast forward a month.

Nathaniel now tells me Wo Ai Ni without any prompting. He says it just because. Just because he now knows that I am his mama and that mamas are ok to love. He knows that I am going to be there every morning and every night. He knows that I am going to stick. I am going to stick even when he is disobedient, cranky, sick, or throwing temper tantrums. He gets it.

Wo Ai Ni, Nathaniel.

I love you with all my heart.

Surviving: One Day at a Time

2011-09-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

Yup. It's tough. I never thought that it would be easy. I never thought it would be so draining either. Adding two more to the mix can take its toll. Today I had to just let it all go.

For five weeks I have been holding everything together. Four weeks of school have been completed, house has been kept together, dinner has been on the table, and clean clothes have been worn.

A wise friend, who has 9 children, gave me some great advice on managing multiple toddlers during school time. She explained her strategy of taking out one activity at a time requiring the children to focus on that one item. That advice has saved me tons of cleanup time and chaos.

I have also been diligent in planning menus and getting dinner together on time. We have multiple evenings out and I have needed to be on top of this. The kitchen has even stayed clean. What a feat for me.

But, let's face it. I can't keep it up day after day.

This week was a tough one for me. I just felt worn down. Monday thru Thursday I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Plodding. That's how I felt. Monday's doctor visit with three toddlers started off my week. I felt drained every day after.

It takes forever to go anywhere. Three kids in car seats means nine buckles, two different doors, moving one seat, and climbing in the back of the car. I spend hours in the bathroom each week with one of the two that are potty trained. I clean up countless accidents. I wipe hands and faces multiple times each day. I break up fights, kiss hurts, and spend half the day taking a child to the "naughty" chair.

It's exhausting.

Draining.

Today I just couldn't put that next foot forward. I let it all go. The littles stayed in their jammies all day. Two of them didn't even have underwear on! School was canned. Teeth weren't brushed and hair was left falling in faces. Toys were strewn all over the house, and the kitchen was left to fend for itself.

I sat on the couch absorbed in a book only emerging from my cocoon of words to meet immediate needs.

Now as I sit here at the end of my day I realize that I have only caused myself to want more. More time for me. More time to do what I want. Time ALONE!

But.....

this time that I want so badly is not mine to have. These little lives need order, boundaries, love, nurture, and a mama who is not burrowed deep in a cocoon.

This time in life is going to fly by and I refuse to wish it away.

I refuse to look forward to when they are older and able to do for themselves.

I refuse to miss out on today!

So, tomorrow when I wake up, I am going to pray that the Lord will lift my foot and place it in front of the other. I will pray that each day He will keep me going. I can't do it without Him.

I truly am blessed to have been given this precious gift of parenting these little ones. May I be up to the task each and every day with the Lord guiding my steps.

Our Adopted Children's Disabilities

2011-08-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have been asked quite frequently of late about the disabilities that our children have. I realized that I haven't really touched on that topic here on my blog. Maybe by posting here it will help others to understand our kids.

Nathaniel and Lily both have albinism. They lack pigment causing them to have white hair, light skin, and blue eyes. Lily's eyes are an icy blue, while Nate's are more deep blue. They both have nystagmus causing the eyes to jump back and forth. It appears that they never settle to focus, but the do. Nate's nystagmus appears to be less than Lily's. They are also both photophobic. Lily is much more sensitive than Nate. I do not know the extent of their vision, and will not until they are older and able to express themselves. We are hoping to get in to a genetic opthomalogist soon. I am often asked if Nate sees better than Lily. I just don't know. Lily holds things closer and is not able to recognize people without other clues. We haven't had Nate long enough to really get a feel for his vision. Someday we will have better answers.

Mae has nerve damage in her right arm. When she was born, her shoulder was separated causing a brachial plexus injury. Because of this injury, she has limited use of her right arm and hand. We accepted her referral assuming that she would never have use of that arm. We were quite pleased when we met her with how much she is able to use her arm and hand. Mae is able to lift her arm a few inches and hold toys between her arm and torso. She is also able to put toys in-between her thumb and first finger. I am hopeful that someday she will be able to pick things up with those pinchers. The other three fingers do not move at all. She has no grasping ability with her hand. Her arm does hang awkwardly, and appears to be shorter. However, when I straighten it out, I believe her arms are the same length. In December, we will be traveling to Sacramento to the Shriners Hospital. Hopefully, we will get more answers on what we can do for her in the future. We are perfectly content with her abilities as of now, but we do want to do everything we can so that she can reach her fullest potential.

One of my prayers is that people will see past their disabilities and just see who they are. I want them growing up feeling confident in who they are, and not letting their disabilities define them. They have the potential to be whatever they want. Well.... except for maybe surgeons!

Home at Last!

2011-08-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

This adoption trip was quite the experience. We had a difficult time getting to China, an emotional first week, a great second week, and a crazy experience getting home. Our trip home started out common enough. We, along with our friends, took a late night flight from Guangzhou to Honk Kong. The flight was short and uneventful. We purposefully choose a hotel connected to the airport for ease of transportation and for getting to bed quickly. Well, the hotel was horrible when it came to checking in. Imagine waiting for 45 minutes to get a hotel room with two tired children after midnight. Not fun!
While we were waiting I started to feel a twinge in my stomach. I figured I was just tired and maybe a bit hungry. We finally received our room number and headed up the elevator. Upon walking in, we were surprised that we had a suite. It was nice, but so late that the room barely registered in my brain. We got the kids to bed and fell under the covers ourselves.
Shortly after falling asleep, I woke up feeling quite unpleasant. I proceeded to spend the reminder of the night becoming best friends with the toilet. I managed to lose 5 pounds that one night! Yuck! Either I had food poisoning, or my body just shut down. Not sure exactly, but I do know that I did not have the flu. No fever or chills accompanied my misery.
When the night finally ended I was miserable. Jon was concerned enough to start planning another night in China and changing our flight home. There was no way I was going to spend one more night in China! They have toilets on the plane! With help from our friends we managed to get to the airport. I owe great thanks to Breanna Wong. She carried my heavy backpack along with hers. She also kept track of Nate when Jon was trying to check us in. I do not know how we would have made it without her.
We were cutting it close to the time our plane was boarding. Finally, we were called out of line to get our boarding passes and told to hurry. We waited to get our passports checked and then jumped the line at security. Nothing like pushing your way through security to get your stress level up. We arrived at the tram to take us to our gate with only moments to spare, walked quickly to our gate, and finally made it on the plane. I praise the Lord for keeping everything in my stomach where it needed to be during this whole time. What an answer to prayer.
The flight home was brutal. One child on my lap, and the other crying off and on. Flight attendants took off with our son and didn't bring him back for 5 minutes. They were entertaining him in the galley with food! Um.... no!!!!!!! We told them very firmly to bring him back. Mae screamed every time I got up. She dozed here and there, and did well as long as I was near.
Flying into America is such an amazing experience. I am so grateful to be an American. We are incredibly blessed to live in this country despite the economy and politics. We are able to drink water here, eat without wondering if you will be sick, and have the freedom to express our religious beliefs. I so look forward to worshiping my God tomorrow without any government telling me how or when. How blessed we are.
Being all together under one roof again is awesome! I missed my children at home so much. Micah, Alex, and Lily are thrilled to have us back. Lily is quite a bit emotional, but I know that in time she will adjust. Nate loves all the toys, and Mae is starting to smile a little more and frown a bit less. It is a little crazy having three toddlers in the house. I will be one busy mama. No more wasting time on the internet for me!
I will leave you with a few pictures of the kids enjoying one another. Thank you for following our journey. Stick around. There may be more China adventures to come! Who knows?!

Last of the Paperwork

2011-08-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

Today was our appointment at the American Consulate. This was the last time we needed to gather and submit paperwork. After over a year of paper-chasing, we are done! Yay!!

Typically, adoptive parents take pictures of their kids on the red couches of the White Swan Hotel. Since we are not staying there we took them on the white couch of the China Hotel. Some of these pictures are hysterical. Enjoy!

Just Waiting

2011-08-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

Well, it appears that I have run out of words. I have no deep thoughts to put down. We are at the point in the trip where we are all just waiting for that final step so we can go home. I really miss my kids at home. It is going to be so wonderful to see them again.

Yesterday we did some shopping. Tamera Wong and I actually escaped for a few hours and enjoyed some time just laughing and talking. It's wonderful having my dear friend here with us. (And Brian, too!) What memories we will have!

Today, Tuesday, we will go to the American Consulate. Once we are done there, we will get their visas and head on home. We fly to Hong Kong late Wednesday night and back to the States on Thursday. The end is finally coming!

Just a few more days and all five of my children will be together. Wait...... did I just write five?!?! Crazy! Even crazier is that I am basically going to have triplets. WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is going to be so much fun. I can't wait!

Sunday Snapshot

2011-08-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

Went for a walk

Cooled off a little

It's a little wild with two in the pool!

Yikes! It's time for a nap.

The Motley Crew - Bayley Wong, Nathaniel, and Mae

Peace at last.

Burning off some energy

Ending the day with some noodles in the hotel room.

Finding Love

2011-08-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

A bout a week ago, I woke up and contemplated what the bible said about love. If you click back to before our trip, I blogged about what His word says on the topic. I am so glad that God had placed several verses on my heart to teach me about how we are to love. Those verses have come in to play on this trip.

It’s hard to love a screaming child. It’s hard to love a child that is hitting you and pushing you away. It’s hard to love a child whom you have only met in pictures. There is almost a feeling of holding them at a distance until they are bathed and in fresh clothing from home. Even then they can still feel like strangers. I know this is not always the case, but it was how it felt this year with our two.

Christ teaches us to act in love, not to just feel it. It is a command, not a suggestion. Every moment since being handed our kids I have tried to act in love. We have fed, bathed, held, tickled, and kissed. My love for Mae has come much quicker than for Nate. Mae has been stuck to me like glue. It is hard not to bond a bit with someone who is staring into your face all day. Nate and I have had less time to interact. Jon has completely taken over the care for him since I have Mae in my arms all the time. Because of this, Nate has wanted little to do with me. Slowly, this has changed. On his own initiative he has come to sit in my lap and give hugs. We still have a ways to go, but I am not worried.

It has been such a blessing to see how God causes our love to grow with our children, and to see their love grow for us. What joy it is to see Nate reach his little arms up and say “Baba”. How precious it is when Mae puckers up her sweet lips and leans in for a kiss. We have found love by acting out what it means to love one step at a time.

Guangzhou

2011-08-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

Friday ended our stay in Zhengzhou. We were so ready to move on. The “5 Star” hotel there is not the greatest. I, personally, do not enjoy putting my toilet paper in the trash can instead of the toilet! I am sad to leave our guides, however. They are the best.

Thankfully, our flight to Guangzhou was uneventful. Everything in my stomach stayed where it needed to be and there were no typhoons to interfere with our flight. Great progress!

We all piled into a bus and headed to the China Hotel. This hotel is amazing. It truly is a 5 star hotel. The beds are soft, there is a huge bathtub, and I get to flush my toilet paper! Praise the Lord!

Around 11 at night I headed back down to see if the next group from CCAI had made it in. I have been anticipating this moment for a few days. I rounded the corner to the lobby, and there standing at the desk were our friends, the Wong’s. I admit to a few tears. It was like a little bit of home right here in China. God had moved our paperwork together and now we get to finish our trip with some dear friends. I anticipate a lot of laughter!

This morning found us headed to the medical clinic for their exam. It was pretty typical. Screaming children, crowded rooms, and controlled chaos. Both of our kiddos did a great job. Nate may have a hernia, but I am not too worried about that. Once we get home, we will get that checked out.

We had a bit of time after the exam to roam around the area. We hit a few shops and bought Mae a pair of shoes. Shopping isn’t my favorite thing to do, and it is so hot here. I was not disappointed when it was time to head back to the bus.

The kids are both down for a nap, Jon is off to play some ping pong with Bryan Wong, and I am content to sit in a quiet room. This evening we will have dinner together as a group, and then call it a day.

Day of Relaxing!

2011-08-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

We decided to opt out of the tour today. Even though we love the Shaolin Temple, it would be too hard with both kids. We took a walk to the local park with another family. It was very enjoyable. Right now the kids are taking a nap and we are ready to rest. Tomorrow we are on our way to Guangzhou. Can't wait to meet back up with our friends, Team Wong! Enjoy the pictures.

2011-08-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

Where to begin...

Yesterday was the day we finalized our adoptions. They are officially ours. Papers have been signed and we are blessed to call them son and daughter. After lunch we took a bus to a shopping center to buy a few supplies. One of which were some shoes for Nate. The shoes he was brought in were sandals for a girl and very large.

Today we headed over to Nate’s orphanage and Maria’s Big House of Hope. The bus ride was long, but it was fun to see the country side. Nate was constantly asking to go to the bathroom. We tried a couple times and then decided he must just want some attention. Either that or he was bored. No more potty stops for him.

Upon entering the orphanage you are bombarded with the smell of urine. It is considered a good orphanage, but it is still an orphanage. Paint is chipping on the walls, things look dirty, and there are children alone without families. It is heartbreaking. I was blessed to check in on two children who will be going to homes within the next 6 months or so. I was not able to hold back the tears as I laid my hand on their heads and prayed for them. It does not seem right to leave them when they have loving homes waiting for them.

The visit was a blur. They do not show you much. Just a few rooms down one hall. It makes me wonder what the rest of the orphanage is like. Maybe I do not want to know. I truly believe that they put their best foot forward on that first floor. Hopefully I am wrong about that. After just 20 minutes we were leaving.

The next stop was Maria’s Big House of Hope. This facility was named after Steven Curtis Chapman’s adopted Chinese daughter who tragically died a few years ago. This place is amazing! It is clean, smells great, and there are many American volunteers roaming the halls. They take in children with more severe needs until the age of five. What a great ministry here in Zhengzhou.

Overshadowing it all is the fact that a family in our group has disrupted their adoption. Out of respect for the family, I will not go into any detail. I share because it has affected me deeply. I grieve for the boy and the family. I would love to just go put a band aid on the situation and make it all better. I want to see them whole as a family. I want to see this boy taken from an orphanage and placed into a loving home. I will never understand the decision, but I do need to trust God that He will work through all the pain and heartbreak.

Overall, Jon, Nate, Mae, and I are doing well. We are very tired, but ready to keep putting one foot in front of another. It is no easy thing to adopt two children at once. Others contemplating this need to realize that it is no walk in the park. Jon and I are constantly “on”. We cannot relieve each other. Mae is attached to me and Nate is attached to Jon. While this is good, it makes it difficult for us to attach to the other child. Nate wants little to do with me and Mae does not want Jon. We are not concerned about this, just stating the facts. It is not easy or ideal. Will it work out ok? Yes. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat! One just needs to be prepared.

Please pray for me that I will start sleeping better. I am attempting at staying up later tonight in the hopes that I will sleep for longer than three hours. We will see.

Just Pictures

2011-08-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted and don't have much to say. Things are going well. I will leave you today with just some pictures.

We Have Nate and Mae

2011-08-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

They are ours. Every finger, toe, tear, and smile.

Only a short time after we arrived at the building, Mae was brought to us. She was beautiful walking up those steps. The moment she came through the doors I scooped her into my arms. She immediately burst into tears reaching for her beloved caretaker. I would not give in and held her as she mourned the loss of all that she knew. She screamed, arched her back, and hit me. I was not the one she wanted.

I was prepared for this reaction. I held it together until we took a picture with her caretaker. It was obvious that she was well loved. The women beside me had tears streaming down her face. Mine quickly followed suit.

Nathaniel was completely different with us. Jon should probably be the one to write about him. He came shortly after Mae. It was such a challenge to give them each attention. Adopting two on the same day is not ideal. I would, however, do it again. Nate took the change without a blink of an eye. He was easily persuaded to stay with us with snacks. That boy downed enough food to last him the rest of the day.

Nate is smart, funny, and feisty. He is going to keep us on our toes. He came to us much like Lily; shaved head and bug bites all over. Figuring out when he has to go to the bathroom is going to take some time. He has already had two accidents in very public places. Underwear is out and pull-ups are in!

Mae is absolutely gorgeous. You can see all the way into the depths of her soul just by looking into her brown eyes. She is slowly coming out of her shell. We have yet to discover much of her personality. I have caught a few smiles on her sweet face. I don’t think it will be much longer before she shines through.

More Sunday Aug. 7th

2011-08-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

We have just boarded the train. Finally! Over nine hours was spent sitting at the train station. We will arrive 24 hours after our intended arrival time. Seven of those hours were spent in a hotel. You can imagine the fatigue that is starting to set in. I am so thankful that we will be able to have a goodnights rest before we meet Nate and Mae.

The train station was quite the hub. We meant to take a picture, but never got around to it. People everywhere! We did see a few other English speaking people. I was the only red headed, white girl in the whole place for 9 hours. The train ride will be long, but I think it will be interesting to see the countryside. Most people on an adoption trip will never be able to see so much of the country. We will count our blessings.

……….

We have arrived! It just took 24 hours longer than we expected. The train ride was uneventful. We slept some and just tried to not think about what would face us when we arrived. We assumed we would have to hire a taxi to take us to the hotel. Imagine my relief when we say a man standing at the exit with our name. I had trouble reigning in the tears. In about 10 hours we will be headed out and meet Nate and Mae.

The day has finally come.

Sunday August 7th

2011-08-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

As I type this post, I am sitting in the train station waiting to leave for - Zhengzhou. There has only been one other time in my life where I have been so stressed. Being stranded in a foreign country is not something that I would like to repeat. The fear that creeps in is hard to squelch. My stomach has been in a constant knot, and I do not think I will eat until Monday morning. That is probably almost 2 days without a good meal. We will survive.

Once we learned that we would not fly out, we tried to get a hotel for the night. Both hotels off of the airport were full and we needed to find another. A man at the airport was happy to direct us to his hotel. At that point I didn’t care if it cost $1000. I just wanted to be somewhere where my senses were not being bombarded. They even had a free shuttle! Not taking a taxi made things easier.

The hotel was rather nice, but I did not sleep more than three hours. I have probably had four hours of sleep since Friday morning US time and it is Sunday morning China time. Amazingly enough we are ok. Upon check out, we ran into a little trouble paying for our room. None of our cards were working, so we had to exchange money with the hotel. I’m not sure if that was something they really liked doing, but there was no other choice. This detour was not planned.

The front desk called a taxi for us and we were off. At this point we still didn’t know if we would even be able to purchase a ticket. The weather outside is like nothing I have been in before. I am thankful we did not fly in it. The wind was blowing fiercely causing the rain to pelt the car. At one point it felt as if the taxi would blow off of the bridge we were crossing. It was shocking to see that people were still riding their scooters and bicycles. I have no idea how they were able to stay upright.

Driving through Beijing last year, I was surprised by the lack of trees. Shanghai is completely different. Majestic trees line the highway. It is very cloudy and I cannot see much around me, but I loved the trees.

Upon arriving at the train station, I felt like shouting praises. I never thought I would be so happy to see a train station. Our first attempt at buying tickets put us going to the wrong city. I guess our pronunciation is a little off. We quickly realized the mistake and had them exchanged. The only bummer is that we will not be leaving until 9 hours from this moment. We arrived here at 6:30am and will leave around 4 this afternoon. The other unfortunate circumstance is that we could only buy second class. We are definitely in for an experience. I am so thankful that we packed light. I have been teased often about my packing. Today it is coming in handy. Luggage on a train is difficult to manage.

I am just so thankful to have a train ticket in my hand. The relief is immense. I don’t care if I have to stand the whole time as long as we arrive in time to meet our children. Nothing could deter me from that moment. Well, except for a typhoon! LOL!

The next 15 hours will not be easy, but they will pass. We will arrive. That is the important part.

He is faithful!

Travel

2011-08-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

Embarking on a journey such as this requires a lot of patience, flexibility, and trust above. Our flight from S.F. went well until the end. A couple of the flight attendants took a special liking to us and treated us well. We received ice cream sundaes and chocolate. As we prepared to land we were informed that a typhoon was coming in the area. Thankfully, our plane was allowed to land. The landing was rough and my stomach did not agree with the landing. Ugh! We prepared to transfer to our domestic flight and found out that it was canceled. There were no more flights out until Tuesday! One day too late for us.
Right now it is the middle of the night Saturday night. We are planning on getting up early to find a train to ZZ. Hopefully all will go well. We will see. I would love to have a few hours of sleep, but can't seem to settle my nerves. The train ride is a long one, so hopefully I will sleep some on that.

When Love Isn't There

2011-08-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

I was laying in bed this morning thinking about attachment. I am almost positive that our little ones are going to have a hard time attaching to us. What dawned on me, however, is that I may not love them right off the bat. Loving them may not come naturally like it did with Lily. I pondered this and turned to the Bible to see what God's word says about love.

Of course, the first place to look is 1 Cor. 13.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

After reading through that list I realized that there is no mention of feelings. Love is NOT a feeling. It is what we do. 1 Cor. 16:14 says, "Let all that you do be done in love." Love is an action, not a feeling.

John 15:12 says, "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you." Love is a command. God doesn't ask us to feel love. He commands us to love.

I will not hold on to the hope that the feelings of love will come. My hope is in Christ. Through Him I need to purpose to love my children. Christ is not looking for me to just want feelings of love, He wants me to act in love. All I need to do is follow the list in 1 Cor. 13. That IS love! When I am patient, kind, and not seeking for myself, etc., then I AM loving my children.

How Will We Survive?

2011-08-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

The enormity of what we are embarking on is starting to set in. When we adopted Lily the transition was so easy. The boys were older and did not need me every waking minute. I have no illusions that it will be this way again. Lily is quite attached to her mama. It is going to be so rough for her when we come back. Two more little bodies are going to need me. Two children, who's lives have been turned upside-down, are going to need extra love and attention from their new mama.
I have no idea how I will meet the needs of our kids. I have no idea how I will be able to start school with the boys just a week after we return home. Micah will be in the seventh grade this year and school is going to be so much more intense. Alex still needs a lot of help with his work. I have no idea when I will cook, clean, or even find time to go to the bathroom.
Thank the Lord that I don't have to do it alone! Only through Christ can I have the strength, patience, and love that will be needed. Daily will I need to lean on Him.

Dear Nathaniel and Mae-

2011-08-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

One week from today you will no longer be an orphan.

You will have:

a Mother

a Father

brothers

sisters

Grandmothers

Grandfathers

Great Grandmothers

Aunts

an Uncle

cousins

a dog

and many more who will love you

You will BELONG!

A Look at our Trip

2011-07-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

We received our itinerary today. Whoo hoo! It is starting to sink in that we are going to be flying to China soon. I can't wait to meet my sweet kiddos. My eyes are wide open about how this trip is going to be. Lily's adoption was picture perfect. She was so easy to bring into our family. I have no hopes for that to happen again. I have a feeling that Mae will be one very scared little girl. I'm not so sure about Nate. We will see.

Here's a brief look at our trip-

Day 1- Drive to the Bay Area and spend the night with family
Day 2- Fly out of San Francisco to Shanghai, China and then to Zhengzhou, China (we arrive close to midnight)
Day 3- Free day in Zhengzhou (more likely recovering from jet lag!)
Day 4- Meet Nate and Mae
Day 5- Adoption registration
Day 6- Visit orphanage?
Day 7- Free day
Day 8- Leave for Guangzhou, China
Day 9- Medical exams and TB test for Nate
Day 10- Free Day
Day 11- Have the TB test read
Day 12- Consulate Appointment
Day 13- Leave Guangzhou for Hong Kong
Day 14- FLY HOME!!!!

Our last trip was three weeks, so this trip seems like it will fly by.

I do have some specific prayer request if you would like to know how to pray for us:
1. We would like it if we met Nate first. We would be able to explain to him that we are adopting two.
2. Pray for the transition of the kids and patience for them as we love them through their grief.
3. Pray for our children staying home and for my mother-in-law who is watching them.
4. Safe travels.
5. Ease of getting from the airport in Zhengzhou to the hotel. We are on our own for this transition.
6. Pray that we will go with the flow. Flexibility is the key to an adoption trip.
7. The long flight home with two children!
8. Jon and I to be patient with each other. This could be a high stress trip and we need to be a united front.
9. Finally, our transition home. I have a feeling that Lily is going to have a very tough time adapting to two little kids needing me.

Leaving for China in 15 Days!

2011-07-20T23:23:00.000-07:00

We received our travel approval on Monday! Whoo hoo! Today we received the date for our consulate appointment and booked our flights. We are so excited to finally be at this point. The plan is to leave on the 5th and return home on the 18th.

An Amazing Gift!

2011-07-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Albinism is rare. 1 in 17,000 people in the U.S. have albinism. Statistically speaking, that would be 27 people in our town.

Being Chinese with albinism in the U.S. is probably more uncommon. I have no basis for that other than speculation.

Being adopted is becoming much more common, but is still not the norm for our society.

Home schooling is growing, but still not mainstream.

Being a follower of Christ seems to be becoming less common today than it was years ago.

Now, what are the chances of meeting someone who falls under all those categories? An adult who is Chinese with albinism, adopted, home schooled all the way through graduation, and a Christian. I would say our chances are pretty slim.

However, God has placed that exact person into our lives. I feel so blessed. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was at a conference purchasing something at the book store. She noticed that the girl helping her was Chinese with albinism. I am so thankful that my friend took the chance and connected with her. I have now been communicating with our new friend. She doesn't live too far from us, so it will eventually be more than just an online friendship. I can't even express how huge this is.

What an amazing gift!

Completely Frivolous Post About Hair

2011-07-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I ~~endured~~ was blessed with twelve years of only boys in my house. If you know me well, you know that I am not girlie. Hardly a shred of girlie-ness exists in me. My mother despaired over the fact that I would not wear dresses to school. The only time a dress touched my skin was on school picture day or for a school concert. I dislike shopping, wearing make-up, and big bows. I do not wear perfume, curl my hair, or think about what shoes go with my current outfit.

So, it comes as a complete surprise to me that I am obsessed with different hairstyles for my sweet Lily. I love, love, love fixing her hair. I plop her on a stool, turn on Barney, and away I go. I have done it enough, now, that she tolerates me pulling on her hair.

The next few pictures are some of the hairstyles that I have been working on. Some of the pictures are older and you may have seen them already.

This picture is to remind you of what I was starting with. Yes, her head was shaved!

Eventually, I was able to pull it back some.

We then had to cut the back so she would not have a mullet. I really love her hair this short, but if I kept it this way I wouldn't be able to play with it!

My first attempt at something creative. Pretty horrible, I know.

This style was pretty cute, but I was still learning to make it look decent.

Her hair finally was long enough to do some cool things.

I love this one!

This one is a little funky, but fun.

Not my favorite. It did keep her hair out of her face.

I call this one her beauty pageant hair.

This one is here just because she's cute! Silly girl.

Of course, one of my favorites is just a simple, double french braid.

Now, I can just hear you. "Wow! She is so creative." Just stop right there. I am, and forever will be, a copycat. I get all of my ideas off of the internet. Specifically this website.

Thanks, Carol Young, for sending me that link so long ago. My girls will blame you for all the hair tugging they will have to endure! :)

We are Leaving for China Next Month!

2011-07-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

I can confidently say that next month we will be on an airplane headed to China. We had some important paperwork picked up from the US Consulate in China on Thursday which will be sent to Beijing. Our next step will be to receive travel approval. Travel approval typically takes 2-4 weeks. Once travel approval has been issued we would leave within two weeks. I am starting to FREAK out!

These precious children will soon be part of the Grabowski clan. I can not wait to make them smile!

The Ups and Downs of Adoption

2011-06-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

Many adoptive parents equate the adoption process to a roller coaster ride. There are constant ups and downs, and unexpected twists and turns during the process. A few weeks ago we were on that ride.

The roller coaster was on the way up when one morning I woke up to a sweet video of our daughter.

Click on this link to view it - http://youtu.be/3hDtfdaVoZc

I was so excited to see this video. Even though Mae seems scared and sad, it is wonderful to actually see her.

Then the roller coaster dropped. We were waiting for our immigration approval. An email to my officer that morning confirmed that she had not yet received our files. This put as at the long end of the wait. I was so bummed that we would continue to wait.

A few hours later, that roller coaster began to climb rapidly. Our officer emailed me back and told me that our files appeared on her desk late that day and they were approved. Whoo hoo! The excitement was building knowing that we were getting closer.

Then another drop. Our passports, which were on their way to SF to get visas, ended up going to Colorado and taking an extra week to arrive. It was very stressful trying to figure out what was going on. Praise the Lord that they were not lost and finally arrived to their destination.

Right now we are just riding along a smooth track. No ups and downs, twists or turns for the moment. We are currently waiting for some paperwork to be picked up from the American Consulate in China. Once that paperwork is picked up, we wait for travel approval. My best guess is that we would leave around August 6th. Of course, that could always change!

Finally. More pictures of Mae

2011-06-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

Mae's orphanage doesn't seem to get as much traffic as Nate's. There is a family adopting right now that visited Mae's orphanage and was kind enough to check in on her and take some pictures. She is so beautiful even without any hair. I admit to being a little sad when I see these photos of her. She is in a metal crib with nothing in it to stimulate her. Nate seems to always be surrounded with toys and activity. Mae seems to be in a decent place, but with little to enhance her life. It could be so much worse. I'm praying that she is loved on. Enjoy the photos.

Another Nate Update

2011-05-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

We are so incredibly blessed by all of the updates we have received about Nate. Today we received an update from the orphanage. This is the first time we have gotten stats on him since we locked his file. His file was almost two years old, so the info was from when he was two. He is currently 31 pounds and 35 inches tall. Lily is actually heavier and taller than him. I better prepare myself for all of the twin comments that are going to be said about Lily and Nate.

The report says that he is active, healthy, and he received his care package from us. Only a few more months and we will be holding him in our arms.

Living Simply. What Will it Accomplish?

2011-05-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

After spending six days clearing out my house, I pause to think about the benefits. What will pairing down our possessions really accomplish? Here are some of my reasons for adopting a more simple lifestyle.

1. I know exactly what we have and where.

2. I have rid myself of things that make me feel guilty, or weigh me down.

3. We have the space to welcome two more children into our home.

4. I have less to clean or clean around.

5. We actually use what is in our house.

6. We no longer feel like we are growing out of our house. This leads to the next few points.

7. We will be able to continue to make changes on our house to make it us.

8. Staying in our house will keep us under budget leaving money to have adventures, bless others, or even adopt another!

9. We will continue living down the street to some wonderful neighbors. I would miss being near them tremendously.

10. We will have less to take care of leaving us more time to spend growing in our faith and loving on our kids. (Now I just need the discipline to use my time for these reasons!)

I don't want to spend my days thinking about how I am going to spend my money, decorating my house, or how we are ever going to keep out of debt. I want to be free from the trappings of stuff!

Living Simply. Progress Report 2

2011-05-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

I emotionally lost it the other day in all this de-cluttering.

At first, I was on a roll. Things were being tossed left and right without much thought. I was being brutal.

My teddy bear from childhood was being tossed. (However, my mom couldn't bear to have it in the garbage and rescued it for her house.)

My old band jacket didn't make the cut and ended up in the garbage.

All of these things just sit in a closet gathering dust. No one wears them or plays with them. They will not follow us to Heaven. Having a picture of the item should be enough to remember.

And then I hit a wall.

Jon and I sat down one night to go through all the Playmobil. We were planning on keeping some of our kids' favorites and selling the rest.

In the beginning of sorting things out, I was doing really well. We planed on letting go of some of the things that our boys rarely played with. I was ok with some of it, and then my sweet, wonderful husband wanted to let more and more go. I just couldn't do it. I admit that I love our Playmobil. It fosters the imagination like few other toys. I keep imagining our little ones playing together with all these wonderful toys.

So, most of the Playmobil will stay. We have a few sets to sell, but not as much as we originally planned.

I failed with the Playmobil, but we did get rid of so much other stuff. I still need to tackle the laundry/craft room. Hopefully, I will be able to let go of more.

To be continued....

Living Simply. Progress Report 1

2011-05-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

Phew! The last few days have been intense. Our garbage is full to the brim with some waiting to be added, and the garage is filled with items waiting to be sold. I am amazed with how much stuff we were able to remove from our house.We have never amassed a ton of possessions. I am not a shopper and Jon hates to have clutter, so it was realistic for us to get through all of our rooms and the garage in just three days.

Our bedroom was first. All clothing items were analyzed and paired down. The big dresser was emptied and everything in there was removed from the house or moved into the closet. Some of the furniture was moved around, and our room now feels like new. I love it!

My side of the cleaned out closet

Jon and I blazed through the kitchen removing anything that we didn't use on a regular basis, tackled the hall closet, and stripped the garage.

We never were able to have too much in our kitchen, so there wasn't much to clear out.

The kid's rooms were difficult and time consuming. I have been blessed with hand-me-down clothes for Lily, but there was just too much! I weeded through and saved only those that I really liked. She now just has around ten outfits and a few dresses.

All those hangers used to have clothes on them

The shelves were jam packed. Now there is space.

The boys' room was especially tough to weed out. They have over sixty pounds of Lego! I was appalled by how much Lego they had. I was also shocked by the amount of Playmobil that was hidden in their closet. We will keep some and sell the rest.

This is all Playmobil. Yikes! No child needs this much.

I still need to go through all of my school supplies and the laundry room. That is going to take a little more time and thought. Stay tuned for progress report 2.

Living Simply. Can it be Done?

2011-05-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

For the past few months I have been pondering how grafting in two more children will effect our living space. I was slowly and reluctantly realizing that our house was too small and we would need to move. Part of me looked forward to a move. Maybe we could find a house with more land. Having another bedroom would relieve some of the pressure of all our stuff. My family and most of our friends live on the other side of town, and it would be so nice to live close to them. It is difficult to be actively involved in people's lives when you live 30 minutes away.
Then, I would look around my home and be sad. We have done so much to this house to make it our own. We even have plans to do more. We have wonderful neighbors down the street who we interact with on a regular basis. Jon works only one mile from our home. Most days he comes home for lunch. Our current location is close to so many things. Did we want to give all of that up? Not only were those reasons compelling to stay, but another main reason was financial. Did we want to increase debt just to have more elbow room?
Thursday night, I was cruising the Internet and decided to google the minimalist lifestyle. I have been accused by friends that I am somewhat of a minimalist. Really, I have way too much stuff to be considered a minimalist, but we do have less than most. Most minimalist are a bit, or more, into New Age as well. There are some Christian minimalists and I spent sometime reading their blogs. Needless to say, I was inspired.
It was as if God had just lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. There is no reason to move. We just needed to get rid of our stuff. There is an enormous amount of stuff stashed away in our house that is never used. What is the point of keeping it all? It just takes up space. Friday I woke up with a mission. A mission to seriously de-clutter our home. We are only keeping what we love and use. There are going to be empty shelves and drawers in our house and we are not going to fill them. The hardest room is going to be the boy's bedroom.
Stay tuned for updates on our mission to simplify.

Words just aren't necessary

2011-05-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

PRAISE THE LORD! Our LOA's came today for Nate and Mae

2011-05-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am so excited I can hardly think straight. We have been waiting for our Letter of Acceptance for Nate for over 40 days. We have had Mae's for about 80 days. We are finally moving forward again. I can once again focus. The next few steps will move along in a somewhat predictable manner. After that we will wait for our travel approval. That step can be rather unpredictable. There is still hope that we will make it before Aug. 1.

New pictures!

2011-05-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

I love waking up and seeing this in my inbox.

When China Asks You to Jump, You Jump

2011-05-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning, I woke up thinking that I would have a productive day. I actually got out of bed early, went for a run, and was ready to jump into school with both feet. Around 8:30 I checked my email and read something that turned my day upside down. I quickly called my friend (we will call her Sally) to see if she also had received the news. The conversation went something like this:

"Did you get an email from our agency?" I asked with trepidation. I was gripping the phone in anticipation of her response.
"No," replied Sally in confusion, "I haven't received anything."
"Have you checked in the last minute?" I pressed further. I could imagine Sally opening up her email and scanning her inbox for the bad news.
"Oh no," cried Sally. "I got the email."
"I am not going to cry," I sniffed as I considered our options. "When are we leaving?"

The dreaded email held news that no one in the adoption community wants to hear. China had requested more information from us. In fact, only select dossiers have been asked to provide more documentation. We were the privileged ones. What an honor.

To give you some history, we are currently adopting two children at one time. One, an almost two year-old girl, is considered a waiting child with special needs. The other, a 4 year-old boy, is a special focus child also with special needs. Our original dossier was put together for our little girl. In order to adopt a special focus child, China is allowing us to reuse that original dossier. All that was needed was a home study update and immigration approval for two. These documents were put together so quickly, that it was clear that God's hand was in the process.

We have now been waiting for China to issue us our letter of acceptance. This is a vital step for us to move forward in the process. There is also a bit of a time crunch with getting our final travel approval. After August 1st, China is requiring additional post placement that will have huge financial ramifications for us. Getting the letter of acceptance in the next few weeks is crucial to making that deadline. There was concern that if we did not get the documentation to China quickly then they might delay our process. That was the last thing that we wanted to happen.

China was asking for three of our documents to be certified by the Secretary of State of California and authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. They also wanted a passport picture of each of us.

Sally and I decided that we were going to be proactive and get this done quickly. There is nothing we wouldn't do to bring these children home. Within four hours, our documents had been notarized, money orders obtained, and our bags were packed. It was time for a road trip.

Once again, God's fingerprints were all over this circumstance. We were able to leave quickly and make it to the Secretary of State's office before they stopped accepting documents. Family lived close to San Francisco and let us crash for the night, so no hotel needed. The drive into San Fran was uneventful (except for one incident. That will be a story for another day), and we arrived fifty minutes before the consulate opened. The line at that point was not very long. Upon entering the consulate, we were the first in line for getting our documents authenticated. Ten minutes from walking in, we were out and free to enjoy the five hours before we picked our paperwork back up.

The laughter we shared that day was such a blessing. It relieved the stress that had been building over the last twenty-four hours. Everything was hysterical to the point of tears rolling down our faces. I would relay them all to you, but they seem to be not so funny in the retelling.

The documents were successfully picked up from the consulate and overnight-ed to our agency in Colorado. Our wonderful agency was on high alert to our package and able to turn around and send them to China that day. Within 48 hours of receiving the dreaded email, our documents were on their way to their destination. We pray that this will not impede our progress. Maybe, just maybe, China will look favorably on us.

New Pictures of Nate!

2011-04-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

We received some new pictures of Nate yesterday. I was so excited to see that the infection in his nose has cleared up. Of course they shaved his head. :( It is reported that he is very clever, has good language skills, and prefers the younger nannies. I hope I am young enough for him!!!! LOL. Here are some pictures.

One year ago, Lily joined our family

2011-04-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that one year has passed since Lily joined our family. Time has flown by. The wait to adopt her seems like just a blip in time even though it was years. I will never forget the day that we met her.

That outfit . . .
The hair . . .
Her bare bum . . .

She was such a joy right from the start. The constant chatter delighted us and all those around her. Her sing-song voice made everyone smile. She slipped into our family as if there was never a time that she was not part of us.

Over time, she has grown so much. She has come from this:

To this:

The hair is growing:

This little bundle talks up a storm. She amazes us with her vocabulary every day.

She loves music and dancing.

She is such a joy. My heart seems to burst with love for this child that God has placed in our arms.

What a great addition she is to this crazy family!

What a difference just one year can make in a child's life!

Not much to say

2011-04-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Not much has been happening around here lately. Our whole family has been sick. I've cleaned up more puke this week (2 times) than I have in 10 years. My kids just don't throw up. It isn't fun trying to clean purple puke out of carpet. I would like to not repeat that for quite some time.

We enjoyed our week off from school, but I sure could use another.

Still waiting for our Letter of Acceptance for Nate. We are only three weeks into that wait and it could be another three. Hopefully not more. Please pray that we have our travel approval before August 1st. If we don't then we will have added costs due to a change in post placement procedures.

A fun Lily saying today. "Once upon a time three bears went pee." Then, "Once upon a time Mama went pee. Yay!!!!!" Yes, we are potty training.

How God Has Weaved Them Together

2011-04-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

During a quiet moment of my day, I pondered how God has weaved our adoptive children together. I had never fully put everything together, and today I am amazed at how He has tied them together.

On Jan. 6th, last year, we received an email asking if we were interested in viewing a little girl with albinism. Actually, we were the second family called for her file. The first didn't know what albinism was and our agency moved on to us. I am so grateful.

Here is the first picture we saw of Lily.

Around this time, our agency was advocating for a little boy with albinism. He was 2 and described as having red eyes. His picture was less than flattering.

I remember seeing this picture and feeling sorry for this little guy who was not being claimed. Time went by and his file was sent back to China.

We traveled to China in April of 2010. During our trip one family visited their son's orphanage and took multiple pictures of a little girl that just happened to capture their hearts. She, of course, is our daughter Mae.

For the next two weeks in China, this family walked around with us holding a picture of our future daughter.

Almost a year goes by, and we are compelled to move forward with the adoption of a boy with albinism. We will end up becoming the parents of the little guy who's file I had mourned over.

All three of these precious children are from the Henan province in China. Their stories and their future has been woven together by our amazing God.

What Happened to My Joy?

2011-03-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

Around the beginning of this year I realized that I could not see the miraculous workings of God in my everyday life. During a bible study, I mentioned to my friends that I must be missing something. Maybe I was looking for something too big. I must be missing the small things that God is doing in my day. I asked for prayer that I would see God in my everyday life.

The answer from that prayer was phenomenal. For about six weeks I was walking on God's blessings. Every time I turned around, God was showing me how miraculous He is. The story of Nate, our new car, other exciting adoptions for friends, and an inheritance flooded into my life. Joy was bubbling out of my heart and spilling everywhere. Never could I have imagined such an answer to prayer.

Then came unexpected medical bills.

CRASH!

The IRS has decided to review our taxes and question our adoption credit.

CRASH!

Our new to us car needed a new gas tank.

CRASH!

The joy that was once overflowing was now gone. It bubbled over and never returned. What happened to that joy? The circumstances of my life stole that joy from me. I began to worry about our finances. What would we do if we didn't get that tax credit? How can we pay for all these bills and still find the money for our adoption?

But, wait. It wasn't the circumstances that stole away my joy. My lack of faith and trust in God is what stole away my joy. Joy is not dependent on circumstances, but comes from the One who redeems my soul and gives me peace. I can still have joy when faced with difficult circumstances. I realized that these trying times in my life are actually an opportunity to grow more in my faith. I can still have joy because I know that these difficulties are temporary and not eternal. Praise God for that!

I would love to say that my joy has returned and is once again bubbling over. I'm not quite there yet. I am a work in progress. Right now I am praying that I will trust Him with the IRS and our finances. God did not bring these two beautiful children into our lives without a plan for the finances to bring them home. I'm done worrying about it. God is in control. Joy is not dependent on my circumstances. I pray that these words that I have written will move from my head to my heart.

Updated picture of our daughter!

2011-03-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Look at what I discovered in my inbox today!

I have been pondering lately how I have no clue how our sweet little Mae looks. Most of our pictures are very old. I was thrilled to receive all the updated pictures of Nate and wished that I could have the same with Mae. What a surprise to get this new picture. I can't wait to wrap that girl in love.

Greatly Blessed

2011-03-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

As of this moment I am in awe of God's provision in our lives. It is remarkable how He goes above and beyond what we could ever hope and dream for.

A few weeks ago we finally sold our Pathfinder after trying to sell it for a year. To be honest, we made a poor decision in purchasing that vehicle. We told ourselves that it was ok to buy this nice car because we could afford the monthly payments. I loved the newer look, the extras, and I felt like I finally had a nice car. Then enters Lily. We didn't realize that there just wasn't much room in the back two rows. This was not good especially since we were now adopting two more children. It was time to purchase a Suburban.

The last few weeks we have been looking around on the internet for a used car. We figured we would need another loan, but decided that we would be more faithful with our money and spend significantly less. The car was only going to be abused by our children.

Jon stumbled on a Suburban that was selling for $8000. This was a good price for us and our loan wouldn't be too difficult to pay off. We headed out on Saturday to take a look. The outside was great, but the inside had a few minor problems. Things that weren't huge, but would need to be fixed. The other problem was the service engine light was on. That could mean just about anything.

Jon and I drove away not sure what to do. We wanted to be wise in our decision, but I just really had a feeling that this was the car that God was directing us to. After some discussion, we decided to make a fairly low offer so that we could pay cash for it and then put some money into it. Jon gave the man a call and made the offer. He said that he would think about it and let us know.

Saturday ended and we heard nothing.....
Sunday came and went and still nothing.....

Monday arrived and I opened my email to discover his response. He said that normally he would have ignored our offer, but he and his wife had prayed and decided to sell it to us for even less than our offer. Imagine the tears that flowed down my face in pure amazement. Here was God using complete strangers to further bless us in our desire to be faithful with our money in order to step out and adopt Nate this year.

This couple that blessed us today will forever be a part of our lives. We will share this story with our children and grandchildren. We will teach them that God provides when you listen to His call. This story will be an example of how the body of Christ can come together and support each other.

All day long I have marveled at how God has provided for us. This is just one example in how He has met all of our needs. These past few weeks we have seen God work in the most amazing ways.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

I believe he has a family. YAY!!!

2011-03-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

Could a little guy be any cuter? If we weren't already bring two home from China, you can bet this little guy would be in our family. More than anything, I want this child of God to feel the love of a family. He is precious. He is two and has albinism, which is such a manageable special need. He currently is on the shared list for waiting children in China. Hopefully, this little guy is already matched. If he isn't, would you consider him? If you have any questions, leave a comment.

Lily's Day in Court

2011-03-05T21:19:00.000-08:00

On Friday, we promised to raise Lily as our own. To give her a full inheritance.

Lily, you are loved.

God just keeps giving

2011-03-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

The night after we received Nate's file, I found a yahoo group for his orphanage. As I was reading through the messages I found that someone was going to try and visit the orphanage in just a few days. I emailed them that night and asked if they might be able to get picture's of our little guy. The pictures that were in his file were 1 1/2 years old. I was not hopeful that they would get my email in time. Imagine my surprise when one morning I woke up to 8 current pictures of Nate. He has an infection under his nose, according to the nannies, and had just been woken up from his nap. His poor little nose looks so painful. Pray that it will clear up soon.

He is going to be one handsome little fellow.

Adding another boy to the family

2011-03-03T15:16:00.000-08:00

Putting Out a Fleece

Then Gideon said to God, "If You will deliver Israel through me, as You have spoken, behold, I will put a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece only, and it is dry on all the ground, then I will know that You will deliver Israel through me, as You have spoken." And it was so. When he arose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece, he drained the dew from the fleece, a bowl full of water.
Then Gideon said to God, "Do not let Your anger burn against me that I may speak once more; please let me make a test once more with the fleece, let it now be dry only on the fleece, and let there be dew on all the ground." God did so that night; for it was dry only on the fleece, and dew was on all the ground.
Judges 6:36-40

On Monday, February 21, Jon and I decided to put out a fleece. We felt God calling us to bring not one, but two children home from China. Our hearts cry out for those sweet little guys with albinism who do not seem to get adopted. We knew that eventually we would go back for one, but it seemed that God was calling us to do it now.

Tuesday morning we sent an email to our agency asking them to look and see if there were any boys with albinism available. He needed to be between 3-6 years old and on what is called the Special Focus list. The Special Focus list is filled with children that have been waiting for some time or have complicated special needs. The only way for us to bring home two at once is if our little guy was on this list. We also knew that we would need to get a referral immediately if we were going to proceed.

I asked our agency how long it would be before we might know if there was an available file. The response was how about now? I also commented to them that wouldn't it be great if he was from the same province as Mae. The chances of that was pretty slim. Imagine my surprise when the referral came and he was indeed from the same province! God's fingerprints are clearly all over this process.

By Wednesday morning all of our paperwork was ready to go. Our agency had everything they needed to submit our Letter of Intent (LOI). By lunch time we had our updated home study. Wednesday night our LOI was translated. Thursday morning our agency submitted our LOI to China and locked our file. Whew! What a crazy ride.

Then, Thursday afternoon, we received our Letter of Acceptance (LOA) for Mae. The timing is amazing. If we would have received Mae's LOA just a few days earlier we would not have pursued a second child. I am speechless and in awe. Clearly, God has orchestrated this whole process.

Introducing.......

Nathaniel YuMing Grabowski

born 6-25-2007

Luoyang, Henan, China

Nathaniel means "God has given"

Sometimes Parenting Hurts

2011-02-12T00:09:00.000-08:00

When our children enter into our lives we have such warm fuzzy feelings about them. They are these cute little ~~blobs~~ angels that can do no wrong. It's hard to imagine all the grief that they will bring. I share this following story not to tell a story on my son, but to show how God is the ultimate parent. God is the one who changes the heart of my child. I can not change the heart.

Last Tuesday our home school group went on a field trip skiing. This field trip is the ultimate field trip. Twenty-five dollars for a lift ticket, rentals, and a lesson. We love this field trip!

Our first roadblock came when we inventoried our ski gear. Micah's old ski pants were passed down to Alex leaving Micah without. I called up a friend, who's son was not going, and asked if we could borrow some ski pants. I drove across town the night before and picked them up. Upon arriving at home Micah realized that the pants were full bibs. That was just not acceptable to him. He protested GREATLY. To the point that he was refusing to participate at all. Jon and I tried to talk some sense into him, but it just left us all frustrated and Micah in tears.

Come morning, Micah confessed that he had overreacted and was willing to wear the borrowed clothes. He even mentioned that he had prayed asking God to fix the problem. God answered by changing Micah's heart. Praise the Lord! It was encouraging to see Micah's heart soften.

I now thought that all was well. We packed up and headed up the mountain. Part way into the drive I realized that I had forgotten a book. This is a huge bummer to me. I do not ski and would be hanging around at the lodge all day with nothing to do. I told Jon that God must have different plans for me that day. God surely did.

Everyone was suited up and ready for the promised lesson. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of Micah. One of the instructors was trying to talk to him and I could tell that Micah was not wanting to be part of the conversation. I figured he was just not wanting to take his lesson on the mountain. He has a fear of heights and tends to stay on the bunny hills. That's fine with me so I explained the situation to the instructor and they were willing to give him a private lesson on the bunny hill. (He was the only snowboarder that wasn't going on the lift.) Micah refused.

He flat out refused to participate. I could not believe that he was being this stubborn. I know that my child is stubborn, but I could not believe that he was willing to pass up a day of skiing just because he didn't want to take a lesson. I marched him into the lodge and gave him quite a lecture. I laid out a bunch of consequences trying to make him change his behavior. I thought that if I stripped him of everything then he would change. I was wrong.

His equipment was returned and the lift ticket was destroyed. He sulked and fumed. It was ugly to see. I sat down with him an hour or so later and prayed with him. He mumbled at me that praying wouldn't help. Little does he know how God works.

After lunch Micah seemed a little better. Not so glum. We ended up having a great conversation about what had happened that morning. He admitted that he made a very poor choice. He apologized for being stubborn and asked for forgiveness. He did this knowing that he still would not be able to ski and that he owed us the money for the lost day of skiing. God had changed his heart. It may have taken four hours, but his heart was once again soft. What a blessing it was to see this once angry face smile again. I didn't create that change. Christ did. We ended up playing cards and having a great time together. I'm so thankful that I forgot my book. God surely did have better plans for me that day.

What would have been our referral day

2011-02-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

Five and a half years ago, Jon and I made the decision to adopt a little girl from China. We requested a healthy infant thinking we would see her sweet face in about one year. If you have been following our story you would know that that one year stretched into five long years.

Several years ago, Jon and I started talking about switching to special needs. It never seemed right at the time. Our motive seemed to be to just speed along the process. Special needs seemed like such a scary thing to bring into our home. Each time we looked into it we stepped back and decided to wait it out.

Then, in October of '09, I saw a picture of a little girl who shared my birthday. God broke my heart over this girl. I knew our family was not capable of taking care of this little one, but God showed me that we could venture out into special needs. I remember sitting on the counter in the kitchen crying over this little one and trying to explain to Jon the depth of my feelings. It was time to make the change. God had worked in our hearts.

We sent in our medical checklist and prepared our hearts. To be honest, I was terrified. Were we doing the right thing? Would I regret switching to special needs when the time came when we would have gotten a referral for a healthy child? These fears would creep up over the next few months.

Then, we got an email. The day that our lives changed. The day we saw our daughter for the first time. We claimed her immediately and prepared to bring her into our lives.

Do I have regrets?

Today would have been the day I would have seen the face of that healthy infant. As I sit and contemplate that fact I know in the depths of my being that I have NO regrets. Lily is a blessing from God that I could have never imagined. She is joy, love, happiness, and the one who holds me and says, "my mama."

I am her mama.

There are no regrets.

Praise God!

Remembering Paula

2011-01-30T18:34:00.000-08:00

Two years ago my good friend passed away. Here's what I wrote for her memorial service.

Four and a half years ago a sign went up in the yard next to us. We were going to get new neighbors. I had no idea who God was going to bring into my life, but I determined to start praying and tell Him who I thought would be perfect. I prayed that a nice family with boys would move in next to us. God answered that prayer in more ways than I could ever imagine.

I remember the day that Paula came to look at the house with her realtor. I threw shoes on my feet and decided to take my boys for a walk so that I would have an excuse to see who was possibly going to be my new neighbor. I have to admit that I am a nosey neighbor! When I learned who was to move in next door, I felt that we had hit the jackpot. This family had two boys almost the exact ages of mine!

Paula and her family began to attend our church and I had so much fun sucking her into all sorts of things. I had started a chime choir and needed one more person. Not knowing what she was in for, Paula volunteered to help. I put her at the bass end where she only had to hit on the beat here and there. She practiced her part and played in front of an audience even though she knew almost nothing about music. That was just the type of person she was; willing to chip in wherever there was a need. I roped her into helping with Vacation Bible School and then it was AWANA, the nursery, and just about anywhere else there was a need. She just didn’t know how to say no.

When her boys started school, Paula became even busier. She threw herself into the school community. Working in the classroom, running the snack bar, counting box tops, passing out cookie dough, were just a few ways that Paula helped at Nelson Elementary. Hours were spent at the teacher’s center laminating children’s work for various teachers. She was at the school probably as much as the teachers. I always joked with her that she spent more time doing school than I did home schooling my own children. She just didn’t know how to say no.

When the school bell rang her day did not end. Homework needed to be done and sport practices needed to be attended. Paula would do anything for her kids. She sat with them and helped them through those horrible math assignments and dreaded writing assignments. Being an involved parent, she knew what needed to be done and how to keep her kids on track. Once those assignments were complete, they headed off to their many different sports. My head would spin just thinking about their schedule. Some Saturdays they would have 4 different games at different schools and she would do her very best to be at every single game. Paula even went to the games of other kids! After all the activities were over, the neighborhood kids would hang around the house. Paula would feed them, entertain them and look out for them. She just didn’t know how to say no.

The years that Paula spent in Fresno were years of giving to others. Paula become well known around the neighborhood and school for her caramel corn, banana bread, strawberry freezer jam and those peanut butter cookies with the chocolate kiss. Even though she wasn’t feeling well at Christmas time, she baked those treats for everyone else. Just last week in the hospital, she mentioned that she wished she could get home and bake some banana bread for all the nurses who had been helping her out. She just didn’t know how to say no.

Now, Paula wasn’t perfect. She did have a few quirks. Paula was obsessed with recycling. Soda cans, water bottles, milk jugs, you name it and she recycled it. When we would ride our bikes to the gym, she would stop and pick up bottles off the street. Eventually, huge bags would be taken down to the recycling center and cashed in. I never did understand that obsession. Another quirk had to do with the gas and electric bill. I do admit that I was part of this obsession. Every month we would compare bills to see who had the lowest. It became a friendly competition that went on for years.

As time moved forward, Paula’s and my relationship deepened. She became more than a neighbor. She was a friend I could call at any time. Paula was there when I needed a cup of sugar, a listening ear or a hug. She would take care of my boys, my dog, or my house at a moments notice. I could walk into her house without knocking, kick off my shoes and make myself at home on her couch. Paula always had time for those around her. While I tried to teach Paula how to say no more often, Paula taught me to say yes. Because of her constant giving of her self, she made many friends who will miss her every day. I praise God for sending me a neighbor who never knew how to say no.

Weary of Saving

2011-01-20T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am tired of saving money. It's true. I'm tired of constantly needing to weigh each purchase, needing to put an item back, and needing to say later. I'm tired of saying we can do this but not that. I want to just throw caution to the wind and do what I want.

I want to buy pictures for our blank wall. I want to get towel racks for the bathroom. I want to buy plants for the backyard. I want to have a floor in my laundry room.
I want...
I want...
I WANT!

I'm sure you can see where the problem lies. The problem lies with me. We have been saving for adoption related expenses for 6 years and I am weary. However, God did not promise us a life of ease and wealth. He promises peace through Him, and I need to hang on to that.

At this moment in life He has called us to adoption, and we must follow. That means a bit of sacrifice and self-control. I really do mean "a bit" of sacrifice. We are living in the top percentage of the world as for as wealth goes. I have nothing to complain about. Our house is huge compared to most of the world. I have an enormous amount of stuff and should not feel that I need more.

I really am trying to get past this weary mentality. I think this post is being written to remind myself of why we are weighing each purchase. I need to keep my eye on the goal and put blinders on my eyes. I need to only worry about the finish line. And at that finish line is my precious daughter.

Sweet girl, you are worth every item that I put back on the shelf.

The Naughty Chair

2011-01-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

Parenting Lily has been quite an interesting adventure. It has been so long since there has been a toddler in this house. I have been parenting older children and have forgotten many of the techniques of toddler parenting. In some ways I think this has been good for me.

When I first had a toddler in the house I was 25 years old. Gosh that sounds young. I had Micah at the age of 23 and knew nothing about parenting. I thought I would have it all down since I had a child development major. Ha! Little did I know what I was getting in to.

I read some books, talked to other moms, and plowed forward. My problem back then was that I took these parenting books very literally. If they said to never . . . then I would make sure I followed that advice to the letter. I was rigid in some areas and spanked for everything.

Fast forward 10 years. I am much wiser in the parenting department. Note that I said wiser and not wise! I can see the other end of toddler-hood. I can see that the decisions we make while parenting them as toddlers can really effect the way they are as older children.

Because Lily was added to our family through adoption, we decided to not spank her the way we did the boys. We wanted to make sure that she felt attached and secure in our family. (Disclaimer: This is just our decision for our family. This is not how I think all families who adopt should parent.) There are occasions where she will get a little tap to the thigh or hand when she is not obeying, but I have really focused on sitting her in a chair for time-outs.

I was noticing that she was becoming very needy of me. I wasn't able to accomplish anything while she was awake. This was driving me crazy. After reaching the end of my rope one day, I pried her off my leg and set her in her crib. Surprise, surprise she calmed right down. However, hefting a 36 pound toddler back and forth from her crib all day would destroy my back. It was time for a different tactic.

In this picture she is still crying.

Out came the child sized chair. Amazingly enough, she sits in the chair for the full two minutes. As soon as she is there she calms right down and waits patiently for me. I must admit that I am shocked that this works. I figured she would get right down out of that chair. She must say sorry before she gets down and give me a hug and kiss. It is quite sweet.

The other day we were playing in the family room. Lily walked over to the chair and sat there all by herself. She looked at me and said, "Lily crying. Wah wah." I just about died laughing! Silly girl.

We have our LID!

2011-01-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

LID stands for log-in-date. This is where we are officially logged into the computer at the CCAA. Now we wait for our Letter of Acceptance where they officially match us with Mae. This could take 1-2 months. The official wait has begun!

It has arrived!

2011-01-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

Our dossier has safely arrived at the China Center of Adoption Affairs. Big sigh of relief here. We should hear of our log in date in the next few weeks. After that we will start waiting for our Letter of Acceptance (LOA). The LOA is where we are officially matched with Mae. This can take up to two months. The challenge now is to sit back, relax, and trust God that all will be taken care of.

DTC!!

2011-01-03T17:01:00.001-08:00

DTC means that our dossier has been sent to China. This is a huge step for us. As soon as our papers are logged in (LID) to China our official wait for Mae begins. I'm praying that we go before the end of June. Heck, I'm praying we go in April!

We have Pre-Approval!!!!

2010-12-30T08:46:00.000-08:00

Our pre-approval arrived today. We are now allowed to share about our sweet girl.

Xu Miao Xuan

now

Mae Xuan Grabowski

born September 18, 2009

Isn't she the cutest little thing? I'm not sure how old she is in this picture. I'm assuming around 1 year. She has nerve damage in her right arm which causes it to be weak. Jon and I are prepared that she will have no use of her hand or any ability to use the right arm. Anything different will be a pleasant surprise. I guess she will be a lefty! :)

After receiving Mae's referral I began to scour the internet looking for pictures of her orphanage. I discovered a yahoo group specific to the Xuchang SWI. In one of the messages I found that someone had visited early in the year and took a bunch of pictures. I emailed them and asked to see the pictures hoping that Mae was in one. She emailed me back asking for my phone number. When she called I was stunned to find that I knew her voice. She and her husband where one of the families that we traveled with. I could not believe it.

I was able to see some of her pictures in the yahoo group and was bummed to not find Mae. It was neat to see her orphanage and see how well it was kept. A few days later my friend called again and said she had more pictures. While they were there her husband was drawn to one particular child. Through a window the husband snapped nine pictures. That child was Mae.

I now have pictures of Mae when she was 7 months old. It is crazy for me to think that they had pictures of Mae on their camera while traveling with us around China. We were only an hour or so away from her while adopting Lily.

One tiny step closer to Mae

2010-12-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

For the last week I have been constantly checking my emails for an update from our agency. We received Mae's file on December 16th and I sent our Letter of Intent (LOI) back to our agency that night. Once our agency receives our information they translate it and send it electronically to China. I figured this to take just a few days. With Christmas it took 11 days. Ugh! Finally, I had an email from our agency saying that they sent our LOI today. We are not formally locked in with Mae until China gets this. A few weeks from now we should receive our pre-approval (PA). Once we have our PA our dossier will be sent to China. From then, it should be a 4-6 month wait. My head tells me to just sit back and let God control the time frame. My heart, however, wants to get on the plane tomorrow.

Happy Birthday, Lily!

2010-12-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

Two years ago a woman gave birth to my sweet girl. I imagine the possible excitement this woman had going into labor. Would it be a boy? Would this child fulfill all the dreams she had dreamed? Imagine the drive to the hospital. Or maybe she gave birth in her home. The pain endured to give birth was intense. Finally a cry. She was handed a baby. As the mother gazed down into the child's face she is shocked to see that she is white and not brown. Her eyes are blue and the peach fuzz on her head is platinum. The turmoil that must have erupted inside her heart was more than she could bear. This child she just gave birth to was considered bad luck. A curse. Why? Why was she given this child?

The woman wrapped this sweet girl in a blanket and took her home. Day after day she held her, cared for her, and loved her. Every moment she probably wondered what she was going to do. Was her family shunning her? Would her baby girl have any chances in this world? The future looked bleak.

A decision was made. This child would have no future. Maybe even her family would be shunned for keeping the baby. Six weeks after giving birth she made her decision. In the morning she dressed her sweet girl and tightly wrapped her in blankets to ward off the cold.

She took a taxi to a populated park and walked to a cave that was visited often. Holding her baby close to her breast, she looked around to see if anyone was watching. When she was sure it was safe she laid down the bundle and hurried away. Tears slid down her face. Hiding nearby she waited and watched to see if someone would find her precious bundle. A few moments later the child was discovered.

The mother turns away and breaks down. Sobs wrack her body as she heads for home. What would become of her baby girl? Did she make the right decision? Would she live forever shunned by her people? Or, would she find a home and acceptance.

Two years later, This sweet baby girl has a family, a home, and a future. Today there was only joy as her birthday was celebrated.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Lily girl. May God bless you as you make your way in life. Your future is full of promise and hope.

A New Daughter!

2010-12-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

It is our pleasure to introduce you to our new daughter.

Mae Xuan Grabowski

I originally had a picture here. However, I am not allowed to post any info about her or photos until we have pre-approval. Pictures will come soon. Trust me that she is precious.

We are completely blown away by receiving a referral already. We are done with the paperchase, but have yet to be logged in to China. We thought that we would be logged in by the end of 2010 and at the soonest receive a referral around spring time. Imagine my complete shock when our agency called.

Since adopting Lily, I was pretty sure we would be adopting another little girl with albinism. I envisioned a little one with pale skin, blue eyes, and platinum hair. God had different plans. Those big brown eyes have drawn me in completely. I am always amazed by God's plans. They are so different from mine and always turn out infinitely better.

We can not wait to bring this little one home. She will soon have a family forever; a mama, papa, brothers, and a sister. She will belong.

No Longer Overwhelmed

2010-12-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

A few posts back I was whining about being overwhelmed. Yes, whining. I am happy to report that I no longer feel overwhelmed. Sure, there are still days that I want to pull out my hair. Who doesn't have those days? But, I no longer feel as if I can't function.

Are you curious as to my secret for being less overwhelmed?

I am letting go.

I'm letting go of having a perfect house. We live here and there is going to be dirt and clutter. No more I am going to feel guilty that Jon may come home to a mess.

I'm letting go of having a perfect school day. It's just not going to happen. Assignments may even be pushed to the next day or even the next week! My boys will learn.

I'm letting go of my time. This is not my time in life. When my children are all grown and moved on in life I will be able to pursue some of my interests. Right now God has my day filled by meeting the needs of my family. I pray every morning that I will remember that I am serving Him by loving and serving my family.

I'm letting go and letting God control my day. I'm spending time reading His Word and praying. He will provide all the comfort and peace that I need.

Letting go can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, but I am going to make that decision every morning when I wake up.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Paper Possibilities

2010-12-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

This stack of papers has huge possibilities for the future of my family. These seemingly unimportant pieces of paper represent a life. A life that will some day be grafted into our family. I know very little about this sweet child. But, I do know that this child will be a girl. She will be younger than 4 and Chinese. I know that she will bear the name Grabowski and have the love of a family. I know that God has every step planned out. I learned that with the wait for Lily.

This stack of papers represents six months of work. It isn't very difficult, but it is time consuming. I have discovered that adopting is like a race. Actually, it is like sprinting for an entire marathon. Every appointment, every interview, and every time sensitive piece of material can have a huge impact. A delay during the race can mean 10 more miles added to that marathon. Another lesson learned during our first adoption. Finishing this paperchase means I can finally stop for a water break. The race isn't over, yet. I don't cross the finish line until the day I hold my daughter in my arms.

This stack also represents that I can venture out on my own. I do not always need to hold someones hand when I need to do something new. I can drive all day to new places. I can navigate San Fransisco. I can do it on my own. Wait...... I need to be honest. I really can't do it alone. However, I can accomplish these things through Christ Jesus.

Pray for our new little one, whoever she may be. Pray that she is loved, safe, and healthy. Pray that God will prepare her heart for the day that she enters into her forever family.

Playing with Lily's Hair

2010-11-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

Eleven and a half years ago, I gave birth to a wonderful boy. Two years later, I gave birth to another wonderful boy. The hair routine in our house has always been quite simple. Heck, half the time we don't even brush hair!
All these years I have been dreaming about fixing a little girls hair. I love braids, ponytails, and ribbon. I finally have my little girl and she came with her head shaved! I couldn't even put in a clip. The headbands with the big bows just aren't my style.

Lily's hair final got to the point of being able to go into a band on the top of her head. I call this her "horn".

I tried the clip for the bangs, but Lily just pulls them out. If she doesn't pull them out, they just fall out.

Then, a dear friend sent me a link to a hair blog. This blog increased my desire to fix my sweeties hair. Of course, most of the hairstyles were for kiddos with long hair. I figured that I would just have to be patient.

And then I caught a random post by the author. She mentioned that she was babysitting a little one and there wasn't much she could do with her hair except for a rubber band braid. I had no idea what she meant by this but it gave me an idea.

I came up with this hairdo-

This style was kind of cute and kept her growing hair out of her face. I just didn't like how it was finished in the back.

I later attempted to add a ribbon. I wasn't very successful with this attempt. The ribbon came out as a straight line and was pretty blah.

I decided to stick with just the bands and ditch the ribbon.

On the blog mentioned above, I came across a fake french braid with a ribbon. I realized that this is essentially what I have been doing. Just without the ribbon tied throughout.

Here's my attempt at adding in the tied ribbon. I started off center and then across. Ending half way back with a bow. Much cuter this time, but can be pretty tricky with a constantly moving toddler.

My next attempt was two "french braids" ending half way. Oh my, did she look cute! I love how this one turned out. Just don't look closely. The braids aren't even due to the constant movement of the head!

Now, I love the ribbon, but it takes a good 15-20 minutes to fix her hair this way. Once she learns to sit still I will be able to do it lickity-split. I thought I would try to finish the "braids" all the way and skip the ribbon, hoping to cut down on my time.

Cute, but not as cute as the ribbon ones.

Poor thing has to suffer through me fixing her hair during breakfast. Now she is less inclined to sit in her booster seat to eat. LOL!

Overwhelmed

2010-11-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

Confession time. I can't do it all. I am unable to keep all of my balls in the air. Actually, I have dropped them all and am stumbling over them. I admit that I am overwhelmed these days. I can not seem to stay on track. Laundry has been piled up on the floor for days. My kids have spent two nights in sleeping bags because I have not put their clean sheets back on. There is a constant pile of dishes in the sink. Toys are always underfoot. School seems to get done halfheartedly, and I struggle to find the time to check their work to make sure things are done correctly. Dinner is barely making it to the table, and I have been falling asleep on the couch at night.

It is difficult for me to admit that I can not do it all. You see, I have friends with twice as many kids that are trying to complete the same tasks as I am. I fear that they will roll their eyes when I say that I am overwhelmed and think that I should be able to get it all done. I only have three kids at home. It shouldn't be that difficult!

I woke up early this morning and the house is quiet, so I thought it might be a good time to analyze the situation and see why I am struggling. The constant mess in the kitchen is an easy, but costly remedy. Our dishwasher broke causing me to hand wash all the dishes. I didn't realize how much time that appliance saved me. We were holding out buying one because we are trying to pay cash for our next adoption. However, I think it is time to go out and purchase one. My sanity may depend on it! Problem solved.

The laundry pile is, most likely, the result of laziness. Once the load is done I should just put it away. Right? Sounds like an easy fix. The boys already do their own, so I am only doing three people's laundry. I believe that I need to go back to doing only one load a day. That would be much more manageable. Putting one load of laundry away should not be that difficult to do. Problem solved.

Toys being strewn all over the floor is the result of having a ping pong ball for a daughter. She does not stay focused on any one given toy for long. Being not yet two, she just drops the discarded toy wherever she is. It's just a phase that I need to patiently wait out. For right now, I need to step over the toys during the day and not feel that I am failing at keeping the house picked up. Before her nap and before Jon gets home, I can teach her how to pick up her toys. That girl really loves to play the clean up game and I need to take advantage of that. Problem solved.

School is a monster of a problem that has no easy answers. It is difficult to teach with a toddler roaming the house. Lily already spends 30-45 min. in the playpen each morning and I can not expect much more from her. I know that as she gets older it will get easier, but right now it is hard! We do spend time during her nap getting things done. The problem there is that I am exhausted and just want to rest. What I really need is for someone to come over every day for an hour. That isn't going to happen, so I need to just put on my big girl pants and push through. Maybe I need to realize that this year we might not be quite as thorough as I would like. Problem solved.

With dinner, I just need to have a plan. Most of the time I do. I probably need to start prepping for dinner earlier in the day and not leave it to the last minute. One of the boys could play with Lily as I cook. I need to utilize them. Problem solved.

Being tired is the result of lack of self control. I have been staying up too late and not getting up in the morning. I have been sacrificing my quiet time in the morning for mindless activity at night when I should be sleeping. Spending time in the Word, prayer, and going for walks in the morning would start my day off right. Watching a stupid movie at night or roaming the internet does nothing for me. Problem solved.

Looking at things in black and white makes everything seem so much better. Already, I am picking up those balls and starting to juggle them again.

Pity

2010-11-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

In a moment of desperation this morning, Lily and I escaped from the house and went for a walk. It was a beautiful day today and the walk cleared my head and gave me a little more of that patience that I am always striving for. As we were walking, I noticed a man in his yard decorating for Christmas. He was truly outdoing himself. His house looked very festive and I asked him if we could come come in for a closer look. I explained that my daughter couldn't see this far away and that she was legally blind.
"Oh. How sad," he replied.
His comment completely took me by surprise. I have never thought it sad that Lily had poor vision.

What is sad is that she will never know her birth parents.

What is sad is that she was rejected by her culture.

It is sad that the people in Tanzania with albinism are being killed for their body parts.

It is sad that children are being orphaned in Africa because of AIDS.

There are so many more serious things in this world to be sad over. Her lack of 20/20 vision is not one of those. My daughter will live a life full of opportunity and love. She will still experience the beauty of this world.

I realized later that I need to be careful with my explanations. I should not have volunteered that she was legally blind. The word "blind" is scary to a person with sight. It would be scary to me to all of a sudden have vision like Lily's. She, however, knows no different. In the future I will just casually say that she needs to be closer in order to see well. It was a good lesson for me to learn while she is still young and unaware of my blunderings.

Silence

2010-11-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

Silence is what we are receiving from immigration these days. Oh, how I love being at the mercy of others! I guess five years of waiting for Lily didn't teach me enough patience. God keeps putting me in a place of waiting.

Silence is what I am hearing from my dishwasher. It broke a month ago and I have been hand washing since. Hopefully we will be able to purchase a new one in the New Year.

Silence is what you hear from my sewing machine. Who has time?

Silence is what you hear from my flute. Hopefully that will change.

Silence is NOT what you hear in my house. All three of my kids and the dog are just plain noisy. Some days I would love to just put in some earplugs and continue with my day. However, I do think that I would miss all the chaos if it was not there.

Silence is what you hear come 10:30 at night. Good night.

Six Months With Lily

2010-10-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

I am amazed that we have reached the six month mark with Lily. It feels as if we have had her forever, yet there is a gap. That gap would be the first year of her life. I am so thankful for her China mom who took such good care of her. She had no delays, was healthy, and quick to attach. I attribute that to God and the wonderful woman who took Lily into her home.

My first impression of Lily was of her outfit. The clothes were bright and gave you the impression of a circus. She had layer upon layer. When I picked her up I could feel bare skin where a diaper should be. Those first few moments with Lily are a blur in my mind. It is so strange to be handed a child you have never met before and realize that they are now your child.

Fast forward six months. This little girl has so completely captured my heart. Lily is vibrant, joyful, stubborn, busy, and very loving. She is one smart little girl. Her vision issues are no problem for her to conquer. Her hair has grown, her cheeks have healed, and I get to put her in much cuter clothes!

I am so blessed to parent this amazing child. Every day I kiss those sweet cheeks and thank the Lord for that 5 year wait.

My Dad's Quirky Birthday Present to Me-

2010-10-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

In order for you, the reader, to understand this gift, you must understand a bit of my past. Around the second grade my mom enrolled me for gymnastics. She thought it might be a fun activity for me. What she didn't realize was that it would become my life for six years. I lived and breathed gymnastics. (I'm sure there is still chalk in my lungs!) I couldn't imagine my life without the hours I spent at the gym.

Now back to the present. Tonight I opened a gift that sent me flying back into the past. When I was 10 years old, I boldly told my dad that I would do 3 pull-ups and 3 leg-lifts until I was 35 years old. I was so sure of myself that I wrote it down on a piece of paper and signed it. Knowing that I would never fulfill this, my dad filed this paper away and bid his time.

Today was his moment. After waiting 24 years, my dad was able to present me this-

Obviously, I did not do this. Thanks, Dad, for reminding me that I lack follow-through.

When God Answers

2010-10-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, last week, I was plain weary. Weary of the monotony of my day; wake up, eat, teach, herd a toddler, eat, clean up, teach, laundry, and then manage a toddler again. I was in a rut that day. I truly love the life that God has given me, but some days I just forget to praise Him for what he has given me. Instead, I focus on me and what I would rather be doing for myself. How I longed to just sit in a quiet house that day and read a good book. To just fade away from this world and enter another that doesn't require anything from me.

Thursday was our weekly park day. Most Thursdays the kids all scheme to see who can come over to play. Alex worked the system so that he could go to a friend's house. Micah looked a little lost with no where to go, so I boldly walked up to another mom and asked if she would like one more kid at her house. "Yes," she replied. Pure heaven for me. I went home, put Lily down for a nap, grabbed a bowl of ice cream and watched a movie. The house was still, quiet, and all mine.

Friday, Jon took half the day off from work. He came home and asked how he could help me. While I cleaned the house he finished school with the boys. At the same time the house was getting clean and school was being done. I felt productive.

Later on Friday, I felt God nudge me at the corner of my mind. All of a sudden I realized that God had answered my pitiful cry for help. He stepped in and gave me rest when I didn't really deserve it. I was being discontent and selfish and then God reached out and showed me His love.

Empty Spaces

2010-10-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

Are there empty spaces in your life? I have a few. On September 29th, my grandmother turned 97. As I stood next to her to take a picture, it struck me that there was an empty space beside me. A space that used to be filled by my brother. It felt strange to have this momentous picture taken without him.

Here was a space that used to be filled and is now empty.

There is another space in my life that is empty. This space will be filled with a little life full of future. I do not know her name yet, but I know that this space will be full of love and joy.

Here is a space that is empty and will one day be filled.

Life, I have found will always have these empty spaces. They will fill and empty without us ever knowing the whys and hows. I do know that Christ is always there to fill my spaces completely. These earthly "fills" will not satisfy.

Here is a space that can be filled for eternity by God.

Thank you, Lord, for filling the spaces in my life with your love. Help me to not rely on those around me to fill them.

Hair Cut

2010-09-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

It is very common in Chinese orphanages for the children to have their heads shaved. Unfortunately, Lily was one of these victims. Her hair was so short when we met her that day in China. Once we got home, many people thought she was a boy.

I have been dreaming about the day that I would get to fix her hair. That day, however, is going to be quite a ways off. I did decide that we would get her hair trimmed at the end of this month. Last night Lily and I headed over to my hairdresser for her "first" haircut. I don't really count that buzz cut in China!

Here's the end result-

Oh my! Isn't that the cutest picture?!?!?!

Here's a back view-

Acceptance

2010-09-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

The other night I watched a movie called Penelope. If you are interested in watching it do not read the first paragraph for I am going to ruin the story line for you.

Penelope is a young girl who is cursed from a previous generation. This curse comes in the form of a pig nose and ears. She is doomed to spend her life with this deformity until her knight in shining armor rescues her with his love. In the end, Penelope realizes that no man can redeem her. Only through acceptance of herself does she shed the curse and become fully human. Once she is "whole" Penelope discovers that she misses her old self. She realizes that who she was did not change with her looks.

This movie caused me to think about how we perceive others. Never before have I been on the receiving end of stares and whispers. Having Lily in my life has really made me aware of how I look at those around me. Really, we are all different. We all have deformities. We are all imperfect. Some are too fat, others too thin. Some are too tall and others too short. Some have white hair and some have black. We are unique.

We are created by a loving God in His image. "God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." (Genesis 1:27) We are the ones that cause the deformities. We cause them by our nonacceptance. We point and stare and draw attention to someone who appears different. If only we would look inside. There we would see the beauty that God has created in His image.

Recently, I was reading in John chapter 9. Here we learn about Jesus healing the blind man. Jesus' disciples ask him who has sinned to bring on this imperfection; Him or his parents. Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was in order that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:3). Over and over again I have seen God being displayed in the imperfections around us.

Imperfections like Lily-

Imperfections like Bella-

Imperfections like Josiah-

What we forget is that they are perfect; perfectly made by God with a purpose to bring glory to Him. Click on their names and read their stories. God is a mighty God.

I pray that Lily will find acceptance in Christ and through His love also accept herself. I pray that she will look to no man to determine her worth. I pray that she will realize that she is beautiful in her differences.

The Unwanted Becomes Wanted

2010-09-02T22:07:00.001-07:00

Before receiving Lily in China, our family visited Harmony House. You can read about that visit in this post. Seeing those children and nannies was a life changing experience. My heart cried out for those little ones. It is heartbreaking to see those eyes and know that they were unwanted and abandoned.

Unwanted.

Like this little guy-

When I met Josiah I felt such pity for him. Who would want this child? I remember commenting to Jon that this child was most likely unadoptable. His arms are useless and he has club feet. He would spend the rest of his life in China begging. A life of poverty and hardship.

Imagine my surprise when I received an email from a family who had found my blog. They informed me that they were already in the process to adopt this little boy. I was stunned. This unwanted child was wanted! This boy who has no family will belong!

Joyfully, I discovered that I am not the one who is to say who is adoptable or not. What a great lesson for me to learn. God's hand is clearly seen in this little boy's life. This family's story is worth reading. Check it out here.

Time to regroup and refocus

2010-08-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

The last few months I have found myself mulling over an idea. In order to understand my thoughts, we must back up a few years. Well, quite a few years.

Growing up, I was involved in everything and anything I could talk my parents into. Gymnastics, flute, piano, dance, band, and coaching gymnastics kept my busy from sunup to sundown. I don't remember anything about school. All I remember are my extracurricular activities. I believe I drove my parents crazy.

I have carried this mentality into how I raise my kids. Granted, I don't have them involved in everything, but I think about having them involved in everything. I pressure myself thinking I need to have my boys participate in sports, music and other activities.

As summer began, I was already dreading the Fall semester. Swimming, drumming, robotics, soccer, and AWANA were all on the horizon. Panic was setting in. How were we ever going to be together as a family if every night we were committed to another event?

The last weekend in July I attended a home school conference. I managed to sit still for one session that left me changed. The speaker talked about having your home be Christ-centered. I realized our home was becoming activity-centered. We needed to make a change.

For the next three months, the Grabowski family has pulled out of all activities. We are not committing anything. Freedom is the word that describes how I feel.

Our hopes are that we put Christ back into the center of our family. To be honest, I am not sure if He ever was the center. I am ashamed to admit that last thought. It is time to regroup and refocus.

We also plan on spending some time doing things as a family. Playing together, loving each other, and just enjoying each others company.

Finally, we are going to be working on hospitality. Having people over is something that we struggle with. I always have an excuse. What it boils down to is that I am lazy and do not like to cook. After a great conversation with a mentor of mine, I now have a plan. Jon and I are looking forward to having friends over to share a simple meal.

In conclusion, these next few months we are going to regroup and refocus our family. I now look forward to the Fall instead of panic at the thought.

Struggling to find my groove

2010-08-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

Scattered. Fragmented. Incomplete. These three words describe how I have been feeling lately. Organization seems to elude me these days. Home schooling with a toddler is such a new experience; one that is taking me some time to adjust to. I would not change my life. Not one single aspect. I love home schooling. I love my daughter.

I just seem to flounder in being organized and productive. Laziness is the root of most of my problem. If I would only get up early in the morning, I could exercise and read my bible. Starting my day right would be such a help. Instead, I stay in bed until Lily needs to get up, which is around 7:30.

Throughout the day, I start and stop so many things. Chores are half done and school is completed in bits and pieces as the day progresses. I have sewing projects that have been started and not completed. The house is maintained, but never deeply cleaned.

And, what on earth am I supposed to do with a very busy toddler during school? She spends around 45 minutes in the playpen already. Nap time is spent doing history and science. How do you entertain a toddler while needing to help your very distracted 4th grader??????

Somehow I need to find my groove. I need focus. I need to complete projects.

Any suggestions?

There is No Halo

2010-08-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I took Lily to the ophthalmologist. The doctor walked in with a student trailing behind. She proceeded to tell the student about Lily and her condition. Then, she asks the student if he sees the halo over my head. "There is no halo," I proclaim. The doctor carries it on for another moment.

Ah, if she only saw my heart. She would recoil at the sin that is there. It is only by the grace of God that I will spend an eternity with Him. We did not adopt Lily to "save" her. Many of the reasons we adopted are selfish ones. I wanted a daughter. I dislike being pregnant. I desired another child.

God has put it on our hearts to adopt. We do have the room and the love to give another child. These reasons should not put a halo over my head. They should be pointing to God, His mercy, His love, and His compassion. It has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with Him.

Lost without a computer!

2010-08-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have been without a computer for the last few weeks. It has been such a frustrating experience. While it was being repaired, they wiped out our hard drive. I lost my whole China photo album (I still have my pictures) and all the lesson planning I had done for school. That equals hours and hours of work. I won't be blogging about much until I get my school planning back up and running. Oh well. At least everyone is healthy.

A Day to Remember

2010-07-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

Today is the 26th. This day has significant meaning in my life. It's the day of endings and beginnings. Two years ago, on July 26th, my brother was taken from us. It was a day I will never forget. Yet, life keeps pulling us forward causing us to put one foot in front of the other. It's good to remember, but it is also important to look forward.

One and a half years ago, December 26th, our little miss was born. Three months ago, April 26th, we met her for the first time. While there is much sadness with this day, there is also great joy. I will always remember the sadness, but I will forever be looking forward to the joy.

What a difference!

2010-07-19T21:59:00.001-07:00

As I was working on our China album, I came across this picture-

And now a more current picture-

Could it be the same child? I don't remember Lily looking this way in China. I remember her smiles and sweet chatter. It surprises me to see that haunted look. I didn't realize until I saw it that she was a scared little girl those first few days. I have not seen that look ever since we have been home. Not one picture looks that way. Praise God!

Communication in Marriage

2010-07-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

The other day Jon and I had a disagreement. I would say that it was one of our most poorly communicated conversations in our marriage. This year will mark 15 years, so that is saying a lot. This has led me to think about how we communicate and how important it is to do it well in ANY relationship.

It all started out with each of us having different expectations. When these expectations weren't met, we were quick to blame each other. I felt that I was completely right and would not back down. My self-righteous attitude got in the way of good communication. I cast blame on my poor husband and threw out a ton of "you" statements. You know the kind, "You always ..." or "you are the one who ...". I even told him that I DID blame him. It was his fault.

We were getting nowhere, so I stomped off to bed. I was exhausted and just needed to be done. Lying in bed, I was having a hard time letting go of my anger. I still felt that I was right, but God would not let me rest. He shined light into the corners of my heart and showed me where I was at fault. He showed me how poorly I had handled the situation. As I lay there praying that God would help me to let go of my anger, I knew that I needed ask for forgiveness from my husband. It didn't matter that I was right. What mattered was how I treated my husband. I did not show him respect in our conversation. Forgiveness was given and our love was restored. I was finally able to sleep.

So, what is the right way to communicate? Through various classes in college, books read, and listening to other godly couples, I have learned some very good communication skills. It is so important to never cast out those "you" statements. "I" statements are key to good communication. Clarifying what the other has said and making sure you understand completely what they are saying is another key. Never assume. Show respect.

Our conversation that night could have been so much better. I could have handled it so much better. I knew the right way to communicate, but I threw that all out the window because I felt so right in my position. My flesh cried out for justice.

Justice wasn't what needed to be accomplished. What needed to happen was good communication, love and respect for each other. I am so glad that we each are willing to come back and restore our relationship. I am thankful that I have many more conversations ahead that I can do right.

*My husband did give me permission to share*

Then and Now: How My Heart has Changed

2010-07-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about how my heart has changed toward Lily these last few months. I am going to be completely honest in this post, so be prepared to read things that might sound harsh.

Going into this adoption, I had a lot of expectations. First of all it was only supposed to take a year. Ha! Obviously, that did not happen. I was going to have a petite, dark-eyed, dark-haired, Chinese daughter. She would be around 9 months old and I would watch her take her first steps and hear her first words. As time lengthened, we knew we had to make a change. Enter Lily.

I fell in love with Lily the moment I laid eyes on her. She seemed so sweet. However, it really is hard to get an accurate view of your child from a couple of pictures and a few words on a piece of paper. It truly is a step of faith to say yes to a referral. As many people have discovered, there can be many undisclosed needs. Jon and I discussed where our line would be if faced with a difficult decision. What I wasn't prepared for were the superficial things that made me step back for a minute.

I was completely prepared for the light skin and shockingly white hair. I am embarrassed to admit that I wasn't prepared for the chubby toddler that was waiting for me. I was supposed to have a petite daughter. I hadn't really believed the reports on her weight. It bothered me that her belly was so huge.

I was completely prepared for light eyes and poor vision. What I wasn't prepared for was her nystagmus. I was under the impression that her eyes would settle down after a bit and would hardly be noticeable. Lily's eyes moved constantly and they were not settling down. It was distracting to watch.

I also wasn't prepared for the way she looked when presented to us. The clothing alone was ....... I don't even have the words to describe them. Bright colors, multiple layers, split tights with her tush hanging out! The scab across her face, severely chapped cheeks, and the buzzed hair took away from her sweet face. My expectations were being completely thrown out the window.

Once we got her into our room, we stripped her down and put her in an outfit brought from home. With the many layers off we noticed that she was covered in red sores. I wasn't sure what they were. I felt like holding her at arms distance.

We also noticed that each side of her head towards the front was a bit flat. (Something that I have never shared before.) It didn't seem normal to me and I felt this fear deep inside me. Was there something wrong? Was she damaged? Our guide felt we should call the orphanage and find out if there was information on this concern. But, after watching Lily interact with us, we knew it wouldn't matter.

Throughout the trip I compared her to the other kids. The other girls seemed cuter. Their clothes actually fit! I loved my new daughter, but I was struggling letting go of some of my expectations.

Fast forward 2 months. I have learned so much. I have learned to trust in God's plan. I have learned to not rely on emotions of the moment. Just because she didn't seem cute at the time didn't mean I would always feel that way. The infected bug bites and chapped cheeks would heal. The hair will grow. The scab will fall away. I would give her a healthier diet and in time her weight would even out. Her eyes? Well, her eyes are part of who she is. And the indentations on her head? I haven't even thought of them until I began this post. I am no longer concerned.

My daughter is exotic, unique, and beautiful. She turns heads wherever we go, and I am slowly getting used to the attention. The love I have for her is huge. I thank God every day for her. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.

As we begin our next adoption, I pray that I will remember these lessons. I will remember to put aside my emotions and expectations and trust that God has it all under control.

Yosemite

2010-06-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Jon and I sat down the other day and planned out days that we would go places. We want to make sure we go camping a few times, take a trip to Yosemite, and go to the beach. We often find, at the end of the summer, that we have not done nearly as much as we wanted. I attribute that to poor planning on our part. This year we are being intentional. This past Saturday we took a day trip to Yosemite. There were many times during the week when we thought we should just stay home since the week had been so busy. However, we forced ourselves out of the house and we are so glad. Here are some pictures of our relaxing and low stress day.

Cutie with Glasses

2010-06-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

Last week we went to the ophthalmologist to have Lil's eyes checked out. I didn't learn anything new, but Lily did get a prescription for some glasses. The appointment took forever, and Lily did a great job. She will eventually need to have surgery. Also, we will be able to learn what she sees when she is older. So for now, we just know that she needs glasses and will some day require surgery.

These frames are really the dorkiest frames I have ever seen. I was not thrilled to be putting them on my girl. However, I think she wears them rather well. She is so stinkin' cute even with the dorky frames. She took to them right away and left them on the rest of the day. They have some serious magnification in them. I also had them add some tint so the glare inside would be cut down a bit.

My thoughts on the word "albino"

2010-05-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Each day I venture out of the house I am faced with a new situation regarding Lily. She is unique and different and causes heads to turn. I don't mind the comments and looks as much as I first did. At least here in the States they are more accepting. One situation I am trying to figure out is the use of the word "albino."

Growing up, I had heard the term albino a few times. Mostly in reference to rats with beady red/pink eyes. I think this is the reason I cringe a bit whenever I hear it in reference to my daughter. One man in China, an American, asked me point blank if her eyes were pink. Another mom thought she was blind. These are issues that people associate with the word albino and they are not true.

This week a mom, who I run into often, brought her child by to meet Lily. She then informed her son, right in front of Lily and me, that Lily is what you call an "albino." I let it go and decided to not make an issue of it. The next day she introduced her other son to Lily. The same situation occurred. At this point, I decided to speak up. I do not want the kids in this situation telling others, "Look. There's Lily the albino."

Let me explain why by quoting from the book "Raising a Child with Albinism" by the Nation Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation.

"The term 'person with albinism' emerged after the Americans with Disability Act passed in 1990 and the country began to move toward person-centered terms. 'People with disabilities' replaced 'the disabled.' The rationale behind this person-centered language is to put the individual ahead of the condition. When you refer to someone as 'an epileptic' or 'a paraplegic,' you are essentially defining the whole person by his or her condition. The word albino reduces a person to one characteristic, whereas the term 'person with albinism' identifies the condition as an aspect of the individual."

Lily, first and foremost, is a sweet little girl. She is energetic, loving and fun. She is bright, chatty, and full of life. This is what I want others to see. Her condition of albinism is a very small part of who she is. It is not what defines her.

I will not always make a point of educating others. Those who we see often I will try and get them to not use the term "albino." With strangers, I will let it pass.

Rude Comments

2010-05-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

Today I attended the wedding of an old neighbor of mine. We grew up and went to school together. I loved seeing his family again as they were like my family when I was young. Lily was taking a nap during the ceremony so I left her home with Jon.

Knowing that we had some time before the reception, I went home and picked Lily up. It was so much fun putting her in a cute little dress with a little flower clip in her hair. Admittedly, I enjoyed showing her off to those that I knew there. I'm proud of my sweet little miss.

During the reception, an older gentleman come up to me. The conversation went something like this-

Old man - "You have a very unique daughter."
Me - "Thank you"
Old man - "How is it that you have red hair and hers is so white? Where did she get that hair color?"
Me - "She is adopted."
Old man grabs my hands and seems pleased. He leans in because he is hard of hearing.
Old man - "Where is she from?"
Me - "We adopted her from China. She has albinism and lacks pigmentation."
Old man drops my hands.
Old man - "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
The old man turns and walks away from me in a hurry.

Perplexed, I stared after him. What the heck is he sorry for? Is he sorry for me? Is he sorry for Lily? She's not dying. Her life is not forever changed because of her albinism. Jon and I choose this sweet little girl. She was not forced on to us. Better yet, GOD choose this child for us. We are blessed to have her in our lives.

I'm now faced with the fact that this comment will be just one of many we will be dealing with. I need to prayerfully consider my response. I need to think about how much information I am going to give to complete strangers. How will I respond? I need to respond with grace and love. Hopefully, my responses will be so that Lily will grow up confident in who she is. She is God's creation and He does not make mistakes.