A Day to Remember

Today is the 26th. This day has significant meaning in my life. It's the day of endings and beginnings. Two years ago, on July 26th, my brother was taken from us. It was a day I will never forget. Yet, life keeps pulling us forward causing us to put one foot in front of the other. It's good to remember, but it is also important to look forward.

One and a half years ago, December 26th, our little miss was born. Three months ago, April 26th, we met her for the first time. While there is much sadness with this day, there is also great joy. I will always remember the sadness, but I will forever be looking forward to the joy.

What a difference!

As I was working on our China album, I came across this picture-



And now a more current picture-



Could it be the same child? I don't remember Lily looking this way in China. I remember her smiles and sweet chatter. It surprises me to see that haunted look. I didn't realize until I saw it that she was a scared little girl those first few days. I have not seen that look ever since we have been home. Not one picture looks that way. Praise God!

Communication in Marriage

The other day Jon and I had a disagreement. I would say that it was one of our most poorly communicated conversations in our marriage. This year will mark 15 years, so that is saying a lot. This has led me to think about how we communicate and how important it is to do it well in ANY relationship.

It all started out with each of us having different expectations. When these expectations weren't met, we were quick to blame each other. I felt that I was completely right and would not back down. My self-righteous attitude got in the way of good communication. I cast blame on my poor husband and threw out a ton of "you" statements. You know the kind, "You always ..." or "you are the one who ...". I even told him that I DID blame him. It was his fault.

We were getting nowhere, so I stomped off to bed. I was exhausted and just needed to be done. Lying in bed, I was having a hard time letting go of my anger. I still felt that I was right, but God would not let me rest. He shined light into the corners of my heart and showed me where I was at fault. He showed me how poorly I had handled the situation. As I lay there praying that God would help me to let go of my anger, I knew that I needed ask for forgiveness from my husband. It didn't matter that I was right. What mattered was how I treated my husband. I did not show him respect in our conversation. Forgiveness was given and our love was restored. I was finally able to sleep.

So, what is the right way to communicate? Through various classes in college, books read, and listening to other godly couples, I have learned some very good communication skills. It is so important to never cast out those "you" statements. "I" statements are key to good communication. Clarifying what the other has said and making sure you understand completely what they are saying is another key. Never assume. Show respect.

Our conversation that night could have been so much better. I could have handled it so much better. I knew the right way to communicate, but I threw that all out the window because I felt so right in my position. My flesh cried out for justice.

Justice wasn't what needed to be accomplished. What needed to happen was good communication, love and respect for each other. I am so glad that we each are willing to come back and restore our relationship. I am thankful that I have many more conversations ahead that I can do right.



*My husband did give me permission to share*

Then and Now: How My Heart has Changed

I've been thinking about how my heart has changed toward Lily these last few months. I am going to be completely honest in this post, so be prepared to read things that might sound harsh.

Going into this adoption, I had a lot of expectations. First of all it was only supposed to take a year. Ha! Obviously, that did not happen. I was going to have a petite, dark-eyed, dark-haired, Chinese daughter. She would be around 9 months old and I would watch her take her first steps and hear her first words. As time lengthened, we knew we had to make a change. Enter Lily.



I fell in love with Lily the moment I laid eyes on her. She seemed so sweet. However, it really is hard to get an accurate view of your child from a couple of pictures and a few words on a piece of paper. It truly is a step of faith to say yes to a referral. As many people have discovered, there can be many undisclosed needs. Jon and I discussed where our line would be if faced with a difficult decision. What I wasn't prepared for were the superficial things that made me step back for a minute.

I was completely prepared for the light skin and shockingly white hair. I am embarrassed to admit that I wasn't prepared for the chubby toddler that was waiting for me. I was supposed to have a petite daughter. I hadn't really believed the reports on her weight. It bothered me that her belly was so huge.



I was completely prepared for light eyes and poor vision. What I wasn't prepared for was her nystagmus. I was under the impression that her eyes would settle down after a bit and would hardly be noticeable. Lily's eyes moved constantly and they were not settling down. It was distracting to watch.

I also wasn't prepared for the way she looked when presented to us. The clothing alone was ....... I don't even have the words to describe them. Bright colors, multiple layers, split tights with her tush hanging out! The scab across her face, severely chapped cheeks, and the buzzed hair took away from her sweet face. My expectations were being completely thrown out the window.



Once we got her into our room, we stripped her down and put her in an outfit brought from home. With the many layers off we noticed that she was covered in red sores. I wasn't sure what they were. I felt like holding her at arms distance.

We also noticed that each side of her head towards the front was a bit flat. (Something that I have never shared before.) It didn't seem normal to me and I felt this fear deep inside me. Was there something wrong? Was she damaged? Our guide felt we should call the orphanage and find out if there was information on this concern. But, after watching Lily interact with us, we knew it wouldn't matter.

Throughout the trip I compared her to the other kids. The other girls seemed cuter. Their clothes actually fit! I loved my new daughter, but I was struggling letting go of some of my expectations.

Fast forward 2 months. I have learned so much. I have learned to trust in God's plan. I have learned to not rely on emotions of the moment. Just because she didn't seem cute at the time didn't mean I would always feel that way. The infected bug bites and chapped cheeks would heal. The hair will grow. The scab will fall away. I would give her a healthier diet and in time her weight would even out. Her eyes? Well, her eyes are part of who she is. And the indentations on her head? I haven't even thought of them until I began this post. I am no longer concerned.

My daughter is exotic, unique, and beautiful. She turns heads wherever we go, and I am slowly getting used to the attention. The love I have for her is huge. I thank God every day for her. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.



As we begin our next adoption, I pray that I will remember these lessons. I will remember to put aside my emotions and expectations and trust that God has it all under control.